Monday, January 16, 2006
My journey has just reached another crossroad. I have been really reflective the last few days, partly because of what I am about to describe, and also it is that time of year again, countdown has begun...
When Arthur and I were engaged, he moved from Detroit to a small apartment here in Oklahoma City. After much reflection and soul searching we decided for him to move into my house after our wedding. We felt that it would give us a better financial footing, and be less upheaval for Shelby and John.
We did much rearranging, painting, and blended our belongings together. Inside, this house is barely recognizable as the same house I have lived in for 20 years.
But, now the time has come to find a house that is OURS. We are on firm ground financially, and my kids now actually are welcoming the idea of a new home.
I want a new house too... I really do. We went out looking at model homes in our area, and found one that we absolutely love.
But now I am feeling myself "stuck" again. It reminds me of when I needed to let go of Andy's posessions, but this time it is magnified 100 times.
This is the house that Andy and I brought our babies home to. This house has so much of him in it... the cabinets that he finished by hand, the chair rail paneling and wood trim he put up, the appliances he installed, the colors that we chose together. Out in the side yard is the crepe myrtle bush that Andy planted with our son John when he was 5. The kids' hand prints in the back patio from 1997. And so much more...
I had my arms around Andy in the hospital bed in the dining room here as he left this life. You get the picture...
Add to that a feeling of wistfulness that, because of his death and my remarriage, I can now afford to move to a much better house than Andy had ever dreamed of.
I know his memory will go with me wherever I go. Arthur was able to leave the house he and Sue shared and he has no regrets...He understands my feelings too, because it took him 10 years to leave their home. I know that it is the right time to move, and I know that my my marriage to Arthur is important now. But this is still hard.