Every day I find myself growing more accustomed to the idea that Andy really is gone, never to return. I don't know if that makes me more happy, or more sad.
In my period of most intense grief, at least I felt STRONG emotion. Lately, I have reached an "even keel." Although I am no longer brought to my knees with pain, I am also not feeling intense joy, either.
Don't get me wrong... my kids bring me pleasure, I love doing things with my friends, etc. But I miss the feeling of anticipation that I used to feel when I knew it was time for Andy to call, or when we were going out together, even after 17 years.
Sometimes I think the pain was better than the emptiness is...but...I figure this is another phase I am going through.
I wrote a poem many years ago that now seems prophetic:
My Secret Knife
The razor edge of a secret knife,
Slices my soul where no one can see.
The world looks on, but cannot see
That one is dying secretly.
If you should find the secret knife,
Let it stay. Please! Let it be.
The pain within far supercedes
The emptiness without.
Tuesday, June 3, 2003
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