The holiday does not seem to be carrying the pain this year that it has for the past couple of years.... so.....
Exactly what WAS it that made me want to recover? How did I open myself up to the possibility of allowing someone new to share my life?
It wasn't any earth shattering revelation. The heavens didn't open up, there was no burning bush or anything! :)
Don't laugh...it was the song “It Must have been the Mistletoe!”
I was at the 10 month stage, still pretty much a baby on the journey, but far enough ahead that I no longer spent every night in a tearful sobbing mess. It was Christmas time, and I did not, DID NOT want Christmas to come that year. Unable to stop it, I put all blue lights on the house to signify “I’ll have a blue Christmas without you.” It was hard getting ready, so hard buying the kids’ presents, just… so hard.
I created a memorial page for my Christmas without Andy.
(It is still on here) The kids and I made ornaments with his photo on them at our grief support group. I threw myself into having the holidays be Memorial days. I felt like it should forever be that way, and I was preparing for all my future Christmases.
But one day, the week before the holiday, Barbara Mandrell came on the radio with her song. And I stopped what I was doing and listened:
“Our first Christmas, more than I’d been dreaming of… old St. Nicholas had his fingers crossed that we would fall in love….”
Instead of feeling grief, I felt dreamy... and suddenly I had the first surge of HOPE! I realized I wanted romance in my life again!
The lyrics went on to speak about a midnight sleigh ride, a crazy snowball fight, and a first kiss. I danced in my head along with the music, and it was at that moment I knew that, although I wasn’t ready yet, someday I would… I WOULD allow myself to love again!
So, here's to MUSIC, ROMANCE, and HOPE!!!
Oh, and the lights on my house this year are multicolored, not blue… but there are still a few blue lights mixed in.
