... 2 Years, 3 months and 23 days after remarriage:
1. Rituals that brought me comfort during my early grief have become burdensome, because they don’t really fit with my current life. One by one they are fading away. This saddens me, but also gives me a sense of freedom.
2. Art and I have called each other the wrong name. It happens. We both understand it. But it still stings a little.
3. There is something very intimate about mixing two sets of Christmas ornaments together.
4. There are times I visit the cemetery without mentioning it to Arthur. I don’t try to hide it, but when I feel the need to go, I usually don’t have the emotional energy to talk about it. Besides, even people who have been through it can give the “puppy dog eyes.” No, I would just rather keep those visits to myself.
OMG, I’m having a rendezvous with a dead man!
5. A big issue for me was “his” side of the closet, “his” side of the bed, “his” place at the table… etc. I solved this by taking over these for myself. But as important as it was for me in the beginning, it no longer seems that big of a deal.
6. I love Arthur every bit as much as I loved Andy during life. But it is completely different. I even feel it in a physically different place in my heart, if this is possible.
7. There are things that are better in this relationship. I never thought that would be possible. There are things that aren’t as good, but nothing unacceptable. All in all, this is a very good mix. It isn’t the same as my past, and I actually wouldn’t want it to be.
8. I feel I still have too many keepsake items: pieces of clothing, etc… I still cry whenever I let something go. Even something like a pair of socks, like I did just the other day. But Art’s the same way. He finally threw away Sue’s pillow after 11 years…(no he didn’t sleep on it. Even I have some limits!)
9. Speaking of limits… we can be a weird lot. I have found that sometimes a gentle nudge from somebody who understands can allow me to continue moving ahead. At first there was an awful lot of “sacred ground” that neither of us dared to cross into. But honestly… did I really need those old socks? Was it really healthy for him to hang onto that pillow? With open discussion we are clearing out a lot of clutter. But there are plenty of non-negotiables, and things that we still waver about.
10. There have been a couple times that we have crossed into the sacred territory unintentionally. Like the torrents of tears I cried when I donated Andy’s wheelchair and Arthur asked if I had gotten a tax receipt for a deduction. I told him how DARE he, that would be blood money… etc… etc… Funny, I didn’t mind getting a tax receipt when Art donated Sue’s Cabbage Patch dolls…
11. Sometimes memories make me weary. While in the early days I did whatever I could to remember; now I intentionally avoid photos etc. It isn’t a kick in the gut anymore, just a bone deep weariness. I want to embrace the present, not live in the past.
12. Music always takes me back. I never listen to the country station anymore, unless I want to be taken back to a life before this one.... which isn't often, if you read #11...
13. There have been days of joy, days with tears, tenderness, misunderstandings, forgiveness and love. I am in a marriage again, as real as my marriage to Andy was.
Wow.
