A Haze between Then and Now

Wednesday, Mar 28, 2007


The other morning I woke up, and was laying in the quiet stillness of the house. Arthur was sleeping gently beside me, and the room was starting to show signs of the outside dawn. I turned toward the window and tried to go back in my mind to "the old days." I just couldn't find the details. I said in my mind, "Oh Andy, you're so far away..." and like some sappy TV show, the words and music to an old Carole King song started playing in my head:

"You're so far away, doesn't anybody stay in one place any more,

It would be so fine to see your face at my door.

Doesn't help to know that you're just time away,

Long ago I reached for you and there you stood.

Holding you again could only do me good.

How I wish I could,

But you're so far away..."

A moment of longing, a moment of sadness that lingered for a heartbeat or two. He will always be part of me, but human as I am, the details are becoming fuzzy...

Then I turned back to see the sleepy, loving eyes of the present...

and felt the joy of now.

Five years today.... the day is almost over

Reflecting... hard to put things into words.

Today was not as bad as I had anticipated. As usual, the couple of weeks leading up until this day were the worst.

Nobody besides the kids remembered what today was, (or if they did, they didn't bring it up) but it's ok. Honestly, it is. It was not the rest of the world, it was the lives of me and our kids that had the center ripped out. I know our friends and family care about me and miss him, the date of his passing doesn't really make a difference. Maybe I am too hung up on dates myself.

Andy sent me comfort in the form of another synchronicity.

I was really hoping that our choir director would have us sing "On Eagles Wings" today. Some of you might remember that was the hymn that Doug sang at Andy's funeral.

As soon as we arrived at church this morning I looked to see what songs we were going to sing. I was disappointed to see that "On Eagles Wings" was not among them. Oh well...

The service proceded as usual. Then the deacon began reading Psalm 91.

Psalm 91

1 He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High, Abides in the shadow of the Almighty,

2 He shall say to the LORD, "You are my refuge and my stronghold; My God, in whom I trust."

3 He will deliver you from the snare of the hunter and from the deadly pestilence;

4 He will cover you with his pinions, and you will find refuge under his wings;
his faithfulness is a shield and buckler.

5 You will not fear the terror of the night, nor the arrow that flies by day;

6 Of the plague that stalks in darkness, nor of the sickness that wastes at mid-day.

7 A thousand may fall at your side, and ten thousand at your right hand;
but it will not come near you.

8 Your eyes have only to behold to see the reward of the wicked;

9 Because you have made the LORD your refuge, and the Most High your habitation,

10 There shall no evil shall happen to you, neither shall any plague come near your dwelling

11 For he will give his angels charge over you to guard you in all your ways.

12 They shall bear you in their hands, lest you dash your foot against a stone...

Psalm 91 is what inspired and is almost word for word the verses from "On Eagles Wings." There are at least 130 psalms. What are the odds that particular psalm would be read at our church on that particular day?

I knew he wouldn't forget me.


Oh, one other person remembered.

Arthur and I were eating out, and he suddenly stopped and said "oh... today is the 25th." I nodded, and he looked at me with those eyes full of love. No other words were needed.

Five years can be a lifetime when a new life is beginning.

SNOW!!! SNOW!!! lots of SNOW

We had an extra week off from school this year, thanks to the snow! (I know we won't like it very much when school is still going on in June, but it sure was fun last week! :)

INCREDIBLE News!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm going to be a GRANDMA! My oldest son Jimmy and his wife Tiffanie are expecting in June.

But, it gets better. THEY ARE HAVING TWINS!

(Everybody knows that 2 is my lucky number!)

Isn't this COOL???? This was something from out of the blue! I can't wait. I'll bet they will be good looking! (like their Grandma!)

I love twins. Who'd of ever thought I would someday be married to a twin, be the step-mom of twins, be the GRANDMOTHER of twins, have two sets of best friends that have twins, and have a daughter with two best friends who are twins???

Hmmmm this sounds a lot like "222222" to me....! :)

Oh NO!!!!!!! Brat is 16!!!!

Happy Sweet 16, Shelby Lou!!!




For her Sweet 16th Birthday yesterday I took Shelby and 5 of her friends to Bricktown. We went ice skating, rode the canal boats, ate pizza at Zio's, and then stayed over at the Amerisuites Inn.

They were the best group of teenagers I have ever been with, and they all seemed to have a great time!!! :)




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Merry Christmas from Arthur-Claus and his Reindeer

Our newest family member!

Everybody meet Miss Alexis Jordan, our newest grandbaby! Alexis is the daughter of Arthur's oldest son and his wife, Dominic and Jenny. She was born yesterday at around 8:00 AM Eastern time. This girl weighs 7lbs, 12 oz.


And here is Alexis with her very proud big sister Hailey.

Shelby and John are getting in the Christmas Spirit

We are having a blizzard today, and schools were cancelled. John went out to the garage and created this sled to use on the hill down the street. I think he did a pretty good job!



Shelby and John are getting in the Christmas spirit, especially with all the snow we are having. :)



Our house thinks it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas, too!

Turkey Day

I hope everybody had a blessed (and filling) Thanksgiving!



Love Always,
Stephanie

Andy's 15 minutes of FAME!!!!

Back in 2003, an author by the name of Stephen Kiernan contacted me. I belonged to an online group of young widows, and I had written in response to a request for our stories. I told about how Andy had died at home with his family at the bedside, and he wanted to use our story in a book about end of life issues.

He interviewed me for over an hour. I had just about forgotten about it, thinking maybe he didn't write the book after all, or maybe he didn't need our story.

Well, I found out on Monday that the book had been just released this week. The title of the book is "Last Rights."

Arthur purchased a copy for me at Border's. The book is beautifully done, describing the differences between dying in a hospital verses dying at home. The book also goes into current medical care of the terminally ill, and how it could be improved. And there on page 196 is Andy's story!

Andy was such an incredible man, and I am so glad that his story is included in a nationally released book. Maybe it will become a best seller!!! My only wish is that some well known writer would write a book about Andy's wonderful life, rather than on his death. Sigh. But, he would get a big kick out of this if he were here. As a matter of fact, I am sure that he is grinning from ear to ear, sitting there in Heaven! (with no wheelchair, of course!)

Click Here: Last Rights

Halloween memories over the years...

Create Your Own!

John Carries the Crown

Here are some photos from Band Night.



John and Kylie along with the Band Queen and escort.




John Henry carried the crown for the Band Queen coronation ceremony at the PCHS. His friend Kylie carried the flowers.



Here's a bunch of good looking guys!



Here is Shelby and her brother. Hey! They aren't arguing! :)

Confessions of a Remarried Widow...

... 2 Years, 3 months and 23 days after remarriage:

1. Rituals that brought me comfort during my early grief have become burdensome, because they don’t really fit with my current life. One by one they are fading away. This saddens me, but also gives me a sense of freedom.

2. Art and I have called each other the wrong name. It happens. We both understand it. But it still stings a little.

3. There is something very intimate about mixing two sets of Christmas ornaments together.

4. There are times I visit the cemetery without mentioning it to Arthur. I don’t try to hide it, but when I feel the need to go, I usually don’t have the emotional energy to talk about it. Besides, even people who have been through it can give the “puppy dog eyes.” No, I would just rather keep those visits to myself.

OMG, I’m having a rendezvous with a dead man!

5. A big issue for me was “his” side of the closet, “his” side of the bed, “his” place at the table… etc. I solved this by taking over these for myself. But as important as it was for me in the beginning, it no longer seems that big of a deal.

6. I love Arthur every bit as much as I loved Andy during life. But it is completely different. I even feel it in a physically different place in my heart, if this is possible.

7. There are things that are better in this relationship. I never thought that would be possible. There are things that aren’t as good, but nothing unacceptable. All in all, this is a very good mix. It isn’t the same as my past, and I actually wouldn’t want it to be.

8. I feel I still have too many keepsake items: pieces of clothing, etc… I still cry whenever I let something go. Even something like a pair of socks, like I did just the other day. But Art’s the same way. He finally threw away Sue’s pillow after 11 years…(no he didn’t sleep on it. Even I have some limits!)

9. Speaking of limits… we can be a weird lot. I have found that sometimes a gentle nudge from somebody who understands can allow me to continue moving ahead. At first there was an awful lot of “sacred ground” that neither of us dared to cross into. But honestly… did I really need those old socks? Was it really healthy for him to hang onto that pillow? With open discussion we are clearing out a lot of clutter. But there are plenty of non-negotiables, and things that we still waver about.

10. There have been a couple times that we have crossed into the sacred territory unintentionally. Like the torrents of tears I cried when I donated Andy’s wheelchair and Arthur asked if I had gotten a tax receipt for a deduction. I told him how DARE he, that would be blood money… etc… etc… Funny, I didn’t mind getting a tax receipt when Art donated Sue’s Cabbage Patch dolls…

11. Sometimes memories make me weary. While in the early days I did whatever I could to remember; now I intentionally avoid photos etc. It isn’t a kick in the gut anymore, just a bone deep weariness. I want to embrace the present, not live in the past.

12. Music always takes me back. I never listen to the country station anymore, unless I want to be taken back to a life before this one.... which isn't often, if you read #11...

13. There have been days of joy, days with tears, tenderness, misunderstandings, forgiveness and love. I am in a marriage again, as real as my marriage to Andy was.

Wow.

National Honor Society

I gotta brag, sorry!

:)

Shelby has been inducted into the National Honor Society. To receive this honor, a high school student must be at least a sophomore with a 3.5 GPA and involved in school activities.

Because of the Advanced Placement classes she has taken, her GPA is 4.4! Wow. This girl sure puts my high school grades to shame!

Happy 12th birthday John!

Time Marches On

I am having one of those surreal moments. I am working on immunization records in my clinic because I have no students today, due to parent-teacher conferences.

Just now, it struck me... most of my newly enrolled pre-kindergarteners have birthdates that are after Andy died. At that time, I remember feeling like the world had stopped, that nothing new was ever going to happen again. How could the world and life itself go on without Andy?

But, my life has gone on... big changes have happened since then, nothing stopped. Good things and bad things, big things and little things have all continued. Nothing has stopped, not in my own life nor in the universe. Even my love for Andy has continued, although in a different way. Andy's earthly life ended, but these new children have been born, evidenced by my records at school. All over the world new lives have begun, and are shining brightly.

Tracy Lawrence has a song called "Time Marches On," and the tagline really speaks volumes: "The only thing that stays the same is everything changes."

So true.

Sorry for the tangent, but this has really been on my mind today. I just had to get it out.

Oklahoma State Fair Button 2006

Here's the latest installment: Shelby, John, Kathy, Arthur, Me and a Clown

This year Andy's token is the string tie I am wearing. He used to wear it on his western shirts with the concho pushed up.

Another essay by Jimmy

I am posting this in honor of what would be our 19th anniversary today. This essay of Jimmy's is a perfect example of Andy's ornery yet playful personality. It is how I always remember him. I am sure he is entertaining himself by trying to aggravate St. Peter nowadays!

I think from time to time what he would have to say about the new things going on around here. I know how proud he would be/ is of the kids. He was such a great "band parent" he would be tickled that Shelby is on the drum line at the high school, and John is entering percussion at the middle school.

I am waiting to hear from him today... last year on this day we found an enameled RN pin in the handicapped spot at "our restaurant," the Red Lobster. What will it be this year? :)

Love,
Stephanie

Now, Jimmy's essay:
---------------------------------------------------


A Smoke with Andy


I'm not sure if you guys have these sorts of thoughts, but I have been recently.

It's hard to get these particular stories across to non-smokers, but I'll do my best.

This sounds very odd to most people, but I have always enjoyed smoking. Most of my family at one time or another has smoked. I therefore find it to be somewhat of a comfort thing, and I flat out like to do it.

After my first year in college, I started smoking, much to my mothers dismay. Mom never allowed me to smoke at home, but Andy understood, so he and I retired to the garage, 3, 4, 5, 6, 10, 20 times a day for a smoke and a chat. I cannot describe to you the amount of satisfaction that it gave me to go outside and poison myself with Andy. We'd be working on some project (usually on what ever piece of junk i was driving at the time) and the best part of that was finishing up and having a smoke with Andy.

Whenever I go back to Mom's house, I always pick up a pack of smokes at 7-11, and a Diet Dr Pepper, and even today, I still step out in the garage often and I have a smoke with "Andy."

I like to think he's listening to me the best there, and i can close my eyes and hear him say "Uh-huh" like he always did when I ran at the mouth (usually). He didn't call me Motor Mouth for nothing.

That was one of the great things about smoking with Andy, he was always willing to go have one, and he always listened to me, even if i was prattling on about stupid things. He sat there and listened intently, smiling as he smoked.


A story that goes along with this one occurs to me. When Andy was first out of the hospital about a year ago, Mom had me help her get him up and outside to sit in the sun for a bit. He was under doctors orders not to be using tobacco, but he and I figured that a couple smokes couldn't hurt. I had with me, as usual, a pack of smokes and a bottle of soda. After some strict admonishments from my from my mom to NOT smoke, she went back inside and Andy and I had the garage to ourselves.

I leaned over to him and said "Look, this is what we can do. I'll light this up, take a drag, and pass it to you, you take a couple drags, then pass it back. We'll pass it back and forth till its gone and light another. Mom is CERTAIN to smell this on your breath, so you take some drinks out of my Diet Dr Pepper and that should kill the smell enough to pull this off."

Grinning like a couple of teenagers smoking behind the barn, Andy and i shared three cigarettes. He didn't even have a problem with that diet soda. In fact, I think Andy would have drunk half a bottle of Pine-Sol if he figured he could get a smoke out of it by that time. :)

Even though we were "Bad," I thank God often that we had that chance to have a couple smokes together. :)

I miss him so much sometimes, I hurt.

I'd give everything I own to have just one more smoke with Andy.

Jimmy

Singing the Vacation Blues!

Wow... what a trip!

We had an unexpected ordeal... our Windstar blew the transmission in Springfield, MO. All of us stood at the side of the road in 100+ degree heat for almost an hour waiting for the tow truck to arrive. We almost had to call an ambulance for John, who began showing signs of heat exaustion, but managed to keep it at bay by making him drink as much as he could, and by pouring bottled water on him.

The tow driver took our van to a transmission shop, and us to a motel. This was Saturday, and the shop did not open until Monday. What to do??? What to do???

What we ended up doing was rent a car, and then continued on our trip. It was quite interesting to cram the stuff that was in a Windstar into a Taurus. We ended up leaving half our stuff behind.

Shelby kept on reminding us her Catechism lesson from the previous week: "All you need is a staff and a tunic." We told her to hush.

At any rate, we ended up having a truly wonderful trip.

We enjoyed the sights of St. Louis, ate Chicago pizza and saw the view from the top of the Sears tower.

We ventured into Windsor, won 50 bucks at the casino and promptly lost it.

Shelby twirled at Notre Dame, did fairly well in competition, and still enjoyed it.

We threw Art's parents 60th wedding anniversary party in Detroit.

And finally made it back to Springfield, picked up our repaired van and we are now home again. Very tired, but feeling pretty darn good about not letting a little thing like a blown transmission ruin our vacation!

(scroll down for photos)

A not-very-happy Arthur transfers stuff from the Windstar to the Taurus. (The rest of the vacation was great!)

Entrance to the Sears Tower...

...and the breathtaking view!

Chicago Pizzaria

Three of the Encore Twirlers and coach await their scores.

Shelby and John serve cake and punch

Mom and Dad: 60 years together and still going strong!

More of the anniversary party


A family portrait

Father's Day... again.

It is so hard to believe that this is the 5th year now. The kids and I have just returned home after leaving a flower at their daddy's grave. We released the annual message balloon, and for dramatic flair, Shelby drove the car around the cemetery to demonstrate what she has been learning now that she has her permit. And to think she was just an elementary school student when he left us...

The pain is no longer raw for any of us, but I know that the kids feel these little rituals keep them a bit closer to their dad, as do I.

My MOST INTERESTING Birthday present!

WOW, what a PRESENT!!

I guess we can call this "Lobster Fest." As most of you all know, Jimmy and Tiffanie moved to Maine a little over a year ago. Whereas Lobster is a scarce commodity in Oklahoma, it is plentiful in Maine.

So what did I get for my birthday??? None other than 4 LIVE MAINE LOBSTERS!!! :)

We invited Kathy and Kendy over for dinner the night the critters arrived. There was a great variety of reaction from the various people here.

I was delighted because I love lobster, but I told Arthur he would have to drop them in the boiling water. He said "NO PROBLEM!" since he also likes lobster, and considers himself to be "The Hunter, the MAN!!"

Kathy didn't care WHO boiled them, because she just wanted the lobster.

Shelby and Kendy were a bit squeemish about trying the meat. Shelby ended up really liking it, while Kendy decided it wasn't her cup of tea.

John insisted we were all MEAN and CRUEL, and he wanted to keep at least one of them for a PET! But after he realized we meant BUSINESS he wanted to cook one himself. (He didn't.)

So anyway, THANKS JIMMY AND TIFF! Not only was dinner delicious, it was rather ENTERTAINING!!!

Brain Fart

OK, I just got the news. I am nominated for School nurse of the Year.

Cool!

So, naturally I immediately think of calling home to tell the good news. But I think of Andy answering the phone!

I am going on 5 years out now. Remarried almost 2 years. What's up with THAT??? I used to do that in the early days, expecting Andy to answer the phone. It took me by complete surprise that it just happened again.

Now I feel confused, and a bit guilty.

Guess widow-brain is a life-long condition.

Please light a candle for Sue

Tomorrow is the 12th anniversary of the passing of Arthur's beloved Sue.

Arthur has often looked at the memorial websites set up by others, and has always wanted to set one up. He is pretty computer challenged however, so setting up such a site was just about impossible for him.

Anyway, I have set up a memorial website for Sue, (my dear friend also) which I plan on presenting to Arthur tomorrow, and then I am going to teach him how to keep adding to it. I know he is going to love it! It will be 12 years tomorrow, and he still struggles around this time.

If anybody here will please light a candle and sign the name you use here, I know he will really appreciate it. This website is truly from my heart, because I know first hand how hard these anniversaries are, plus Sue was my friend, and I love Arthur.






Click here to go to the memorial site: In Memory of Sue


Thanks everybody.

Dear Terry, Our prayers go with you

Terry is leaving for Fort Sill, then after a short time training he is off to Iraq. He was originally called up in 2003, but he ended up coming home without leaving the state. He spent a couple months in Louisianna helping out with Hurricaine Katrina. No sooner did he get home, he had to begin preparing to deploy to Iraq.

Last night his company had a big sending-off ceremony, then a bunch of his friends and family met at Ryan's Fire Mountain for dinner.

Please keep Terry and his wife Kathy in your prayers. He will be gone for 1 year to 18 months.

An amazing day... FOUR years

I never in a million years would have thought I could say that the anniversary day of Andy's death was an amazing day.

But today truly was.

Along with the rest of my family, today I attended the wedding of my friend Pam's daughter Laura. Pam and family were very close to Andy and I. As a matter of fact, Pam was a friend who helped me make Andy's funeral arrangements, and brought me a teddy bear to hold as I picked out his casket.

At any rate, instead of sadness on this date, I felt a sense of wonder attending this wedding of somebody who was so special to Andy and I. Plus, there was a bonus.

Pammy remembered what today was. She told me she had been thinking of me all day, and that she just knew Andy was enjoying the day too... laughing at Laura's pre-wedding jitters. There were several people attending the wedding who worked with me at the hospital. They were very happy to meet Arthur, and they stated that they knew Andy was happy to see me happy. They also mentioned the incredible mark that Andy had made on everybody's life.

Wow... it made me feel so good... that people still remember. That they consider my life as a WHOLE, not just the sad part, not just the happy part. They welcome my new life, and remember my past! And Arthur felt as if he was part of the group, rather than being an outsider.

Andy is a part of me, Arthur is a part of me, and today I was able to celebrate the marriage of my friend, the memory of Andy, my love for Arthur, and the wonderful potential my future holds.

Thanks for listening as I step into year number 5...