My personal season of Lent

There is a time that, for lack of better words, I considered this year to be "my personal season of lent."

It began on November 26, and ended on February 25: the anniversary of Andy's death.

I relive each moment... the trip to the ER, the days in ICU, the painful treatments, his improving, then crashing over and over, the emergency surgery that he wasn't expected to live through (but he did)...

I remember the day that I ignored the rules and put him in his wheelchair and took him outside, oxygen and all...just because he wanted to go. Later that same day we had our last conversation where I was wailing "Why does God let things like this happen??? He told me: "I'm not gonna question 'The Man Upstairs' because He knows what He's doing." So incredible, so wonderful that Andy still trusted the Lord, even after all the pain and indignity he suffered. Comforting in the fact that I know that he is now in Paradise.

I remember bringing him home, holding his hand... his last words to me about 18 hours before he died, "I'm gonna miss you"

...me whispering in his ear over and over as he was breathing his last breaths: "I will love you forever. Take that with you!" and then he died in my arms.

It has been so painful to relive it, and for the two weeks before the anniversary, I felt like I was right back to square one. But, for me, that intense period of renewed grief actually has brought me closer to healing. When the anniversary came, I felt like I had been cleansed of alot of confusing, gut-wrenching emotional baggage. I was able to let go of the bad in many ways, and hang on to the good. I hadn't realized how many of the GOOD things I had forgotten! Things like his strenghth, his faith, and his intense love for me and our kids.

The anniversary, or the "sadiversary" if you will, has come and gone...

The kids and I flew the flag from the dawn of the 25th to the dusk of the 28th (the day of his funeral.) I took him a yellow rose. I told him I love him and I miss him.

He is still my hero.