Thursday, June 9, 2005

I got my Sign!!!

(Excerpt from a post on the YWBB. This is part two. See previous post for part one.)

My sign is related to an OLD dream of mine, from back in '03. Here is my post about it from then:

Click here: My Dream

Today while I was on my way to the park to have my time of reflection, I passed... you guessed it... a yellow and white 57 Chevy. I don't remember ever seeing one around here before!!!!

My interpretation?

One day I WILL get that ride. I don't need to worry any longer that Andy has rejected me. But for now, I will live, and enjoy life in the PRESENT. My present is to be the best mom, and the best wife to Arthur that I can be.

I am returning to my "Sane Stella" personality now.

Thanks for putting up with "Crazy Stella!"

Sane Stella

(Stella being my pen name on the young widow board.)

Tuesday, June 7, 2005

Terrible dream is eating at me

(excerpt from a post on the ywbb)

It already has been 3 days since I had this dream. I have had bad dreams before, but usually they fade away rapidly. But, this one is hanging on... and I don't know what to do or what to think!!!

The dream went like this: I found myself with Andy, don't know how, and for some reason I wasn't surprised to see him. But, he was acting very distant. Finally I asked him, "Is there someone new?" He looked remorseful, and said, "Yes. Curiosity got the best of me." It wasn't so much that admission that bothered me, (after all, I am remarried) but then he turned away and I ran after him screaming his name, and he just kept going...

I have heard that those who are "crossing over" will come back in a dream to say goodbye. I could handle that, if he had to go... but couldn't the dream be nicer??? I keep feeling crazy... but since the dream I haven't "felt" his presence, no signs in months... why am I letting a dream get to me so much???

Thank goodness Arthur is so understanding with me, I would probably have kicked myself to the curb by now!

Several of my young widow friends have suggested possibilities for the dream... Perhaps it is my upcoming first anniversary to Arthur; (I counted anniversaries for 17 years with Andy, and maybe I feel like it was I who abandoned him?) Maybe I am trying to work through other unresolved conflicts. I have pondered each suggestion, and they all make sense. I do know in my heart that he would never leave me like that. He fought too hard to stay with us.

Another thing I thought of... this is the beginning of Summer here. Season changes have always been the hardest thing for me, even worse than anniversaries. Shelby just had her dance recital, always a "BIG EVENT" for us. I just ended work for the school year. The weather, the trees, everything drags me back in time...

Well, in a few minutes I am leaving to take the kids to "our park." This park is like a time capsule for us... it has not changed at all in 20 years except for the trees getting a bit bigger. After I spend a day of reflection there, I usually feel more grounded.

More later.