Trip to Austin

Our family took the train to Austin, TX and stayed for 4 days before Christmas. I love the train! Santa even traveled with us, and gave the kids candy canes! :)

This is me, Arthur, Jimmy and Tiffanie. They took us out to eat at an excellent Italian restaurant called Carmello's.

Another Christmas at Doug and Marilyn's

It Must have been the Mistletoe!

The holiday does not seem to be carrying the pain this year that it has for the past couple of years.... so.....

Exactly what WAS it that made me want to recover? How did I open myself up to the possibility of allowing someone new to share my life?

It wasn't any earth shattering revelation. The heavens didn't open up, there was no burning bush or anything! :)

Don't laugh...it was the song “It Must have been the Mistletoe!”

I was at the 10 month stage, still pretty much a baby on the journey, but far enough ahead that I no longer spent every night in a tearful sobbing mess. It was Christmas time, and I did not, DID NOT want Christmas to come that year. Unable to stop it, I put all blue lights on the house to signify “I’ll have a blue Christmas without you.” It was hard getting ready, so hard buying the kids’ presents, just… so hard.

I created a memorial page for my Christmas without Andy. (It is still on here) The kids and I made ornaments with his photo on them at our grief support group. I threw myself into having the holidays be Memorial days. I felt like it should forever be that way, and I was preparing for all my future Christmases.

But one day, the week before the holiday, Barbara Mandrell came on the radio with her song. And I stopped what I was doing and listened:

“Our first Christmas, more than I’d been dreaming of… old St. Nicholas had his fingers crossed that we would fall in love….”

Instead of feeling grief, I felt dreamy... and suddenly I had the first surge of HOPE! I realized I wanted romance in my life again!

The lyrics went on to speak about a midnight sleigh ride, a crazy snowball fight, and a first kiss. I danced in my head along with the music, and it was at that moment I knew that, although I wasn’t ready yet, someday I would… I WOULD allow myself to love again!

So, here's to MUSIC, ROMANCE, and HOPE!!!

Oh, and the lights on my house this year are multicolored, not blue… but there are still a few blue lights mixed in.

John Saves the Day!

John's class presented a musical based on "The Night Before Christmas." He was supposed to be a Caroler with a couple of lines.

The day of the performance, the kid who played one of the lead characters "Papa Mouse" was sick. John's teacher asked him to take the part. He had 20 minutes to learn all of his lines! A bunch of lines. Not only did he learn them, but he performed without a single mistake!

Here he is in the beginning of his performance as Papa Mouse, leading the other mice, while not a creature was stirring behind them. His part was a lot bigger than in the original story!! :)

The only thing that stays the same is everything changes...

...or to quote a line from a different country song: "Life's about changes nothing ever stays the same."

The other day I noticed the bath robe I bought a couple weeks after Andy died is worn out. That will make 2 new bath robes now since he died!

It is interesting that a change that I initiate myself does not have the sting as much as a change that happens on its own. How dare things change without checking in with me first???

The latest uninvited change that blindsided me is that the Eckerd Drug chain has been bought by CVS. I think Andy and I purchased all of our prescriptions at Eckerd the whole time we were together. I bought my pregnancy tests there. His signature vanilla pipe tobacco came from there. Baby diapers. Photo developing. I even felt like I was living there the last days of his life.

How stupid is that, getting misty eyed because a drug store is changing the name???

Thought for the day...

We should all take a lesson from Victoria:

At Christmas time, sometimes you have to stop and smell the Poinsettias.

(Photo taken Dec 1999)

Zorro, Jesus, and Scream

3 of my favorite ghouls! :)

(About the Jesus part, Shelby has been on a Godspell kick this year.)

Thoughts about Chris Reeve's death...and my life

I had a chat with my friend Abbe tonight, and sorted through a lot of feelings that I decided I want to share with everybody. I have always given everybody the "short version" of how Andy died, but the truth is we walked throught that valley every day we were together for 17 years.

Andy was paralyzed 5 years before I met him. He was a man of quiet strength, and I simply fell in love with him. It took a lot of soul searching on my part to make the decision to marry him because of his injury, but I finally decided that no matter what we had to face, it was better than living without him. I still feel that way.

Because Andy lived with a spinal cord injury for 22 years, Chris Reeve's death hit me very hard. I identify a lot with Dana Reeves, because I walked her walk, although not quite as much since Andy had use of his arms and did not need a ventilator to breathe. The pressure sores and other SCI problems such as urinary tract infections, incontinence, and astronomical financial strain were part of our daily lives.

It was actually a pressure sore that started Andy on his downhill slide, just as it was for Mr. Reeve. Andy had the undiagnosed Hepatitis C in his body ever since the accident, so in 1999 he was starting to experience horrible infections and skin breakdown that the doctors could not explain. He ended up with a bad pressure sore on his tailbone when he was in the hospital for an unrelated surgery.

His first doctor said "I think it is time to send him home and just keep him comfortable.,"

SHE WAS READY TO LET HIM DIE even though she had not even figured out what was causing the problems! There is no such thing as "terminal paraplegia." She said "Most paraplegics don't live that long." Well, I wanted him longer!

We were on an HMO at the time, so I had to fight like the devil to change doctors!! We got an excellent doctor afterward, but it was too late really... the pressure sore was cleared up with intense treatment, but by that time his system was weakened from the infection and the Hep C assaulting his liver. Andy ultimately died of an infection by some of those super bugs... brought on by the pressure sores caused by low protein levels from his malfunctioning liver (Hep C) that we did not know he had until a few weeks before his death, and a kidney stone from lengthy bed rest, in addition to his paralysis. For you medical personel out there, he had positive blood cultures of MRSA and VRE. He went into renal and liver failure. At this point, I brought him home and took care of him until the end.

During our years together, it was such a balancing act keeping him healthy. For all those years we walked a tightrope. Now, I don't want to give everybody the wrong idea. We had lots of fun times, and shared a variety of wonderful experiences. Most of the time we kept the medical issues way in the back of our minds, but they were always there. Our balancing act ended finally in February of 2002.

During my chat with Abbe, she pointed out that we had successfully 'walked the walk,' and I think that is true... I have often felt that it was one of my major life assignments. I would never, never change the time we had together. That is why I identify with Dana and how she said to Christopher 'You are still you.' She loved him in spite of all the difficulties, which don't seem all that difficult while you are loving somebody.

Andy was like Chris... same type positive attitude. He did not want to die...did not want to leave us... he fought with every fiber to live, but it was not to be. That is why I say he is 'always my hero.' I hope that my love for him comes across to everybody, even though I am remarried. I am loving again, I have honestly found happiness again, but this is a different love. It does not erase the love I still feel for my Andy.

Happy 10th Birthday John Henry!

Good looking guy, and what a nice sister!

Happy First Anniversary Lesley and Billy!

I received this photo from Lesley, just in time for their first anniversary! Congratulations again, you two.

Lesley is Kathy's daughter, and Billy is.... Billy! :)

(photo taken September 30, 2003)

Fair Button 2004

This is the latest in the button collection. Now there are 18 total in our collection.

As you all remember, the State Fair was one of Andy's all time favorite can't miss events...I think he would appreciate this year's memory token!!! :)

(Yes, Kathy... his CLAW!)

This years stars: Shelby, Me, Arthur, Victoria and John Henry.



I sent this photo to all our friends the night it was taken. I received the following sweet email from Pammy:

" ...How awesome is that?!?! Tradition holds it all together! What wonderful memories you are making for the kids!
Steph...you are my hero! "

I will admit... our family is a bit unconventional! :)

I have always hated the American tradition of being afraid to acknowledge our deceased loved ones. So, we talk about happy times with their dad, funny memories... and even sad times. Keeping up the fair button tradition was made a bit easier by the fact that we never had the same people in the buttons every year, so there was no feeling that Andy was being "replaced," or forgotten.

Interestingly, my kids now talk about Arthur's late wife Sue like she is a friend of theirs. I guess she is, just one they never met.

Love,
Steph

Then and Now

Then:

It was winter. We had been hit by a huge ice storm just a few days before Andy left us. The trees for miles around had their limbs broken and frozen.

That was me. Broken and frozen.

Now:

It is summer. The trees have mended, the leaves are abundant. But, under the greenery there are scars in the bark, and new bark over the broken limbs. The scars are forever there, but amazingly they have made the trees stronger.

That is me. With scars...

yet stronger.

When blending two households into one...

...there are so many things to consider! Then just when things begin to fall into place, more things crop up that I never would have dreamed of.

Financially we decided it was best for Arthur to move into what has been "my" house. Suddenly, "my" house has to be "our" house, or Arthur ends up being a second class citizen where he resides. We plan on selling this house and purchase an "our" house, but it will take a bit of time to get this place ready to go on the market.

So enter new issues that did not occur to me until we moved Arthur's things here. Such as... how will the kids react to him in what used to be Daddy's spots? Not to mention how would I react? We solved some of those problems by having me taking over the empty spot at the table, and Arthur taking my spot. We are redecorating and changing the bedroom, and I now have what used to be Andy's everything... side of the room, side of the closet, side of the bed, everything. (Brand new everything, by the time we are done, by the way...)

Then there are financial issues. Inheritance issues. Family boundary issues. And issues such as: what constitutes "junk," and what are "treasures?" What kind of treasures are appropriate to keep, anyway? Personal space issues. Unresolved issues in our past relationships. (Naturally, even both of our happy previous marriages had every day type problems.) On top of that, there are the normal issues that face all newly married couples.

There are ongoing grief issues. We both have them, and we understand, but it can bring additional pain to our hearts out of empathy. We might experience an occcasional mild stab of jealousy. Things that don't even make sense, like regretting we will never have each other's child, like we need more kids or something!!!!

It is hard work, but it is worth it. Oh it is so worth it! I am still one thousand percent sure that we made the right decision.

Because of you...

Because of you, I still celebrate...

Because of you, I love a little more.

Because of you, I take time to give an extra kiss good-bye.

Because of you, I have a new favorite song.

Because of you, there may be dust on the window sill,
and I don't care.

Because of you, I live today,
before I worry about tomorrow.

Because of you, I don't give up quite as fast.

Because of you, I still believe in rainbows.

Because of you, now I can help or listen more.

Because of you, today, I am me.


by Eileen Wernsman

Photo: Andy and Steph August 1988

In memory of our anniversary

Honeymoon photos

As we begin our new lives together...

***
June 26, 2004

“You dried my tears, and brought me joy that I never thought I would find again. Stephanie, I know that Andy will forever be in your heart, and I will honor that always. Today as we begin our new lives together as husband and wife, I give you the same promise that you kept with him: ‘Until death do us part.’ You are the friend of my youth, and I love you.”

“You dried my tears, and brought me joy that I never thought I would find again. Arthur, I know that Sue will forever be in your heart, and I will honor that always. Today as we begin our new lives together as husband and wife, I give you the same promise that you kept with her: ‘Until death do us part.’ You are the friend of my youth, and I love you.”


***

Wedding Photos: Click Here

We are married!!!

WE DID IT!!!

Arthur and I are officially hitched. (I made a seperate post with photos)

We thought the wedding was going to be a total disaster, because everything went WRONG for two hours before. First, a big chunk of the wedding cake fell off as we were decorating the reception room. We fixed it, but that should have been our first clue that this was not going to be a smooth day.

The people who run the chapel forgot to unlock it, and we had to run around to find the university campus police to open it. The florist couldn't find the bridesmaids bouquets, so they had to hurry up and make new ones. The flower girl's flowers were missing completely, and so she carried a single rose. Nobody could find the unity candles. Jimmy had go rush out to buy new ones.... while on the way to get MY MOTHER, who Arthur and Allen had forgotten to pick up!!!

The runner was forgotten at home, I forgot my necklace, the guestbook was never put out, the musician almost had to leave for another wedding because we were late starting because of the mishap with my mother, and the priest had an attack of angina.

But, when the wedding finally started, it went pefectly from start to finish. The reception was wonderful, and we had a great wedding day after all.

Tomorrow we leave on an almost-3-week honeymoon to Niagara Falls, parts of southern Canada, and the Michigan Upper Peninsula. Photos to follow.

Wedding rehearsal

Photo taken: June 25 2004

Does Mykayla have any idea how cute she is??? :)

Behind her is Victoria, Shelby, me (in the hat my nurse friends at work made me... it worked great for the rehearsal!) and Kathy.

About living in the present...

Lots of thoughts and emotions.

I am forcing myself to live in the present.

The past is unobtainable, and there is too much pain in the not-so-distant past. I look at the photos, the memories, then tuck them safely away for another day. I shed tears, and still feel grief. So does Arthur after 10 years. (That makes me shiver.)

The future is before me. I am about to leap into the world of 'until death do us part' once again. But, I now know the full impact of those words. I don't want to look into the future. I know what it can mean. I know what it will eventually hold for one of us.

For that reason, I am living one day at a time. Is that good? Am I in denial? I don't know. But, it is too scary for me to do otherwise.

"The Journey" home from Chicago

Something awesome happened to me on the way home from Chicago.

Shelby and I spent the weekend in Chicago with a bunch of my friends from the young widow online group. One of my good online buddies is Carol S. Carol just recently had a book published about her love and life with her husband Joe.

You all know that I am a believer of "signs," and I have received several that I can't explain other than to say "Andy must have sent them!" However, this time I think I received a sign from Carol's husband, Joe!

Before we left Chicago, Carol presented me a copy of her book of Joe's journal "The Journey," beautifully inscribed for me and Arthur. I was thrilled, touched, and couldn't wait to read it!

It was a great way to spend several hours on the train. I was moved to tears many times, but I am used to weeping in public since Andy's death, so I was not embarrassed in the least. I especially enjoyed the passage where Joe tells Carol "Whenever you see a butterfly, think of me."

I read the book from cover to cover, and finished it about an hour before we arrived at Union Station in Fort Worth. When we arrived, Shelby and I toted our luggage into the station, and sat near a door where there was an outlet for me to recharge my cell phone. Just after we sat down, a huge, beautiful brown and orange butterfly flew right by us, and landed on the door to the outside. He beat on the door with his wings several times, so I told Shelby "I think he wants out." She opened the door, and he flew away!

About two hours later, we boarded the train to Oklahoma City, joyful that our trip was almost over. When we we passed over the highway as we left the station, I looked down, and there, flying along I-35 heading to Oklahoma City, was a huge brown and orange butterfly! Was he the same one we saw earlier???

I believe Joe was happy that I read and was touched by his story, and was guiding us home. I also think he wanted me to tell Carol what happened (which I did)... as another message to her about how pleased he is how beautifully the book turned out.

Thank you Carol and Joe.

...And now it's our turn

Wedding of Dominic and Jennifer: May 21, 2004

The eleventh hour is upon me

I have 47 more days until Arthur and I are married. As the time grows closer, I find myself on a similar roller coaster of feelings as when I first lost Andy.

It isn't that I don't want to get married, I do with all of my heart. But...why in the world have we chosen to do the whole complicated wedding bit, when for a few dollars and little fuss we could have gone to the courthouse and been done with it??

It just hit me what the answer is. Not only is this wedding a way for us to show our love and long time friendship, it is also a final way of demonstrating publicly what our marriages to Andy and Sue meant to us. By sharing this important occasion with those we love, we are showing that we are not entering this lightly, and that we consider our previous marriages to be extremely important and have helped shape us into who we are today. Does that make sense?

Our invitations read: "We invite you to join us in a celebration of life, hope, and three decades of friendship." That is the spirit that we want to portray as we exchange our vows.

The tears are still here at times, but we must have hope in order to survive. Arthur and I still have a lot of life ahead. We are going to walk on ahead with joy and hope as we share our lives. We have full faith that we will see Andy and Sue again, and mine and Arthur's love for each other will be eternal as our love for our partners who have gone before us.

John's Lucky Clover

John found this TODAY!!! (March 17, 2004) This is the actual clover on the scanner! How lucky is it to find a four-leaf-clover on St. Patrick's Day???

I still remember my sweetheart....

Two years ago, on 2/25/2002, this guy became the ugliest angel in heaven! (Don't worry, he would appreciate that comment!)

I remember his kindness, gentleness and good heart. I remember how I always felt protected when I was with him. I remember how ornery he was, but oh how I loved that! :)

I still feel him around me. He will forever be a part of me.

Almost two years....

I am sitting in a very weird place today.

The two year anniversary of Andy's death is in 3 days... the 25th. Two years ago day before yesterday he signed his advanced directive. Two years ago yesterday was his last phone call ever to me. He left a message: "OK, call me!" (Can you believe that I still have that call on my voicemail? I have patiently forwarded it to myself every week for two years now.)

Two years ago today (2-22-2002) was the last time he paged me 2's, as I was on the way to the airport to pick up Jimmy. Two years ago tonight was the last lengthy conversation we ever had, when he expressed his never ending love for me, and tried to comfort me.

My love for him still shines so bright!

The weird part has been trying to make the ends of my old life and my new life meet. How is it that I can be so in love with somebody new, but so in love with Andy at the same time? I have learned that it is possible. Art and I have decided that it is the love that I shared with Andy and the love that he shared with Sue that has enabled us to love each other so deeply. They both left us with a legacy that we can continue. We have been there before, and we know how to love.

Arthur has told me that he is fine with whatever I want from him on the 25th. If I want him to stay away, he will honor that. Or if I need him with me, he will stay by my side. Problem is, I don't know! I guess I will have to move as the wind blows???

Last year I worked that day, and I probably will this year too. I was OK at work. Work was my escape during the early days, so I will "escape" to work on the 25th.

I know that I am just rambling... but I needed somewhere to express my love to my sweetheart on this 2-22.