The true meaning of becoming seventeen.

At 8:00 AM Shelby knocked excitedly on the bedroom door.

“Mom! Wake up! It’s time to go!”

“Go where?” I grumbled.

“It’s my birthday, remember? I want to go donate blood. I’m seventeen today, and I can officially donate.”

I dragged my bleary butt out of bed. Normally I would have been at work by 8, however this is my vacation too. But with Shelby wanting to be so generous, I felt that I had no choice. No such luck of sleeping in, I guess.


So you don’t think that my daughter is too much of an angel to be believed, here is our conversation as we left the blood center.

“This afternoon I want to do the OTHER thing that I couldn’t do until today, Mom”

“And what is that?”

“I want to go see an R-rated movie!!!”

Christmas has come and gone.

Christmas was calm and traditional this year. Midnight Mass was beautiful as usual, and I so love being in a choir again.

Shelby had to work Christmas morning. (She works at a vet clinic, and had to feed, change, walk and water the animals that had to say over.) So we waited until she came home from work to open presents. As a matter of fact, I was a MEAN mom, and made everybody eat brunch first!



We then went to Kathy and Terry's for Christmas dinner. As usual, lots of good food, and conversation consisting of laughter and shouting across the room. Plus we hooked up the computer and watched my Grandtwins on big screen TV via webcam! It was very strange... so much traditional holiday mixed with High-tech entertainment! :)





Lesley, Billy and the kids were here. We haven't seen them since 2004, and it was great to have them back in town for the holiday.

A wistful re-run

I am re-running my web page that I created for Andy that first Christmas without him. I was just beginning to learn how to set up web pages, so it is very simple. I don't like that Angelfire has added all those stupid advertisements, but the memories still remain intact. (Except because of the ads the mouse trailer no longer works... and I worked for hours to get that thing right!!!)


With Love to my Sweetheart at Christmas

Man and Wife, and Christmas Ornaments

“…and the two shall become as one.” -Genesis 2:24

When Arthur and I were married, we chose a reading from Genesis chapter two, not so much for the two-becoming-as-one part, but for the preceding sentence:

“A man shall leave his father and his mother.”

Our selection was a tiny bit tongue-in-cheek reference to the fact that Arthur was moving 1100 miles away from his parents. However, the becoming as one part isn’t so much about the being in close proximity, but that our entire lives become increasingly entwined.

Things are blending together more and more. Perhaps the best example of this is our personal sets of Christmas decorations. Or, should I say our “former” personal sets? After the first year they became all mixed in together. I mentioned briefly in my confessions post that there is something very intimate about mixing ornaments. Our ornaments represent so many facets of our lives, but at the same time the memories represented are often hazy at best.

Some of the ornaments are unmistakably mine, such as the little primitive ones, hand made out of spools. My grandmother and I put them together when I was four years old. Likewise, beyond the shadow of a doubt, the Hallmark collectable Elvis decoration belonged to Sue.

But this being our 4th Christmas together, some things are starting to blur into a sparkly green-and-red haze. The generic ornaments, the cute grinning snowmen, the little fuzzy-bearded Santas are all starting to look the same. Because of this, we have had the following conversation more than once:

“That’s a cute ornament! Where did you get it?”

(Blank look.)

“I thought it was yours!”



***************

I am just hooked on...

...creating these stupid Jib-Jab videos. Here is a greeting for everybody for the holidays. (And I plan on posting some actual words in the next few days... promise!)

Try JibJab Sendables® eCards today!

Starring: John, Shelby, Arthur, Stephanie, and guest starring Uncle Allen.

Surprises can happen even almost six years later

I had a wonderful Thanksgiving!

This year, for the first time, John took over the tradition that his father had started: smoking the ham and turkey for our dinner.

I thought that was pretty cool that he wanted to do that, and it gave me a warm feeling to see him chopping up the wood and keeping the firebox full just the way Andy used to.

In order to chop the wood John needed the hatchet that I keep locked up in his dad's toolbox. (The toolbox,one of those gigantic rolling Craftsman types, will become his when he gets older... probably on his 18th birthday.)

After taking out the hatchet, John gave me back the key.

Then he said matter-of-factly: "Mom, did you know Daddy kept a picture of you in the lid of his toolbox?"

No, I didn't know. I had been through the tools a couple of times after Andy died, but it never occured to me to look inside the lid. John stands perfectly at eye level with it. I took the key and opened up the box. Sure enough, on the lefthand corner of the top lid was a photo of me that, judging from what I was wearing, was taken around 1996. I don't even remember the photo! It was in a plastic sleeve and neatly taped inside the lid.

After all these years, sometimes I almost forget that the man adored me.

But there on that lid was more proof. He loved me. He really loved me!

Just thought I'd share.

For these things I give thanks...

This year John has taken over his daddy's tradition of smoking a turkey and a ham for Thanksgiving. I give thanks for our wonderful memories and the different ways that we honor them.



I give thanks for the present and the new memories that we are creating.



Oh NO!!!! They're at it AGAIN!!!! (Remember Easter???)

November musings

Hmmm… it’s been too long since I have written.

Gotta write something, but there has been nothing much to write about.

I still have many of the same feelings as the past 6 years, but have already expressed those feelings repeatedly in my previous posts. The earth has circled the sun almost 6 times since Andy was here. At each season change I still feel the ghost of my previous joy, then a melancholy longing for the past. And later, full circle to the peace and contentment of the present.

Ironically, it is because of my peace and contentment that I have little to write about now. Life has evolved backward to what it was in the past, each watercolor day blending into the next with little distinction, but leaving a beautiful impression of iridescence and light.

How can one have a life that they absolutely desire, but wish for another at the same time?

Will I always feel this way?

Halloweenie 2007

Here are this years halloween costumes. John went out trick-or-treating dressed as Tony Hawk, but changed out his costume at his friend's house so we didn't get a photo. Arthur and I were a couple of well-dressed hobos for the square dance "Hobo Party," and Shelby had a party of her own to attend.

OK... This is just plain stupid, but I'm posting it anyway!

Arthur and I are square dancers, but you will NEVER catch John and Shelby doing anything like this!!!


Star in Your Own JibJab! It's Free!

The world has a brand new teenager!

Happy 13th Birthday John Henry!
Today we had our little home celebration, complete with Hostess Treats. John's gift was a new pair of indoor rollerblades,
(just what he wanted!)

This coming weekend the whole family will be together in honor of John and Aunt Marilyn's birthdays.

How can my baby be 13, anyway???

State Fair Button 2007... with a message!

Here is our annual fair button, but there is a special message in it.

Yesterday I was a bit melancholy about the significance of today's date, but now I am feeling better about things. Today would have been Andy's 60th birthday, and since the fair was one of his very favorite things to do every year we all decided to dedicate the button in his honor. Doing this little tribute helped me through what I feared would be a difficult day.

So, here it is!

Celebrants include Arthur, Kathy, Shelby, Clown, John and Me. Thank goodness for this crazy, mixed up, goofy, blended family of mine that loves and understands me.

Happy Birthday A.B. wherever your spirit is resting this day.

Tomorrow is our annual Fair day.

Time for the State Fair yet AGAIN! I don't think there is anything that shouts "time is passing" to me louder than the coming of the Fair. It is something that I have loved for decades now, but in a strange way I am reluctant for "Fair" time to come around this year. I will elaborate on that a bit more tomorrow, after we have dragged ourselves home from another annual visit to the "Great State Fair of Oklahoma."

Past Fair memories I have documented include: A page of photo buttons and The Pirate Ship Story Part One and Part Two!

These are the memorial photo buttons the Shriners made for us that year. We have a Shriner button from each year since 1987, I have every one of them posted on this site.

Tomorrow's button will make number 21 in the series. Unbelieveable!

The Year of the Locust

... or at least I think that is what this year must be.

For the past few nights the loud singing of the evening locusts has been making me feel unsettled. It just dawned on me why.

Seven years ago was the summer of 2000. That was the summer when Andy's illness really took hold, when I thought I was going to lose him. He rallied and lived another 18 months, but it really was the beginning of the end. That was the summer he was in the hospital just barely clinging to life. I was working my then brand new school nurse job, and learning to be a virtual single parent to my kindergartener and fourth grader.

I put the kids down to sleep in one bedroom so I could read bedtime stories to both at the same time. Then I sat by their bedsides until they drifted off. There in the dusky shadows I had a few moments to reflect on my upside-down world. My mind raced as I tried to figure out how things had become so crazy. Why couldn't the doctors figure out what was wrong? How could I spend time with my dying husband, work full time, take care of my children and home, and still manage to get enough rest? I bargained with God and cried out to Him, but all I heard in reply was the shrill song of the locusts.

On some of those nights I caught myself planning a funeral, writing an obituary in my mind. The locusts continued their song where my thoughts left off. Then I mentally beat myself for not having enough faith... for giving up.

Actually, I never did truly give up until Andy drew his last breath. But in those shadows I was trying to come to terms with reality, taking steps toward an acceptance that did not mean agreement at all...

The locusts are louder than any year since 2000, so I guess this really is the year of the seven year locust.

And, once again I find myself sitting in the shadows and reflecting.

My third drummer makes his debut.

I must either be very patient, or very nuts. If I'm not nuts I probably will be by the time my last child graduates from high school. This is because I have given birth to my own drumline. All three of my kids are percussionists! My seventh grader (the last in the lineup) made his drumline debut at the middle school football game this past Friday. Here he is! :)



Video is pretty shaky, filmed by his friend!

8 Random Facts about Me!

I have been tagged fair and square! I guess I'll play this game. Here are the rules according to Michelle (my tagger:)

1. Players start with 8 random facts about themselves.
2. Those who are tagged should post these rules and their eight random facts.
3. Players should tag eight other people and notify them they have been tagged.

Here are Stephanie's (Or Stella's if you prefer) 8 random facts:

1. My parents were both only children, so my brother and I were the only grandkids on both sides. We have no 1st cousins. (Can you say SPOILED???)

2. When I was 10 years old I had a poodle that I trained to perform circus-type tricks, like jump through hoops, climb ladders and roll on top of beach balls. (Too bad I couldn't train my kids nearly as well!)

3. I reached my adult height of 6'2" when I was in the 8th grade.

4. I loved to square dance when I was a teenager, and was the vice president of our square dance club. (I know, I was a square!)

5. I was in a bad car accident when I was 19 years old, and I am still afraid to make a left turn without a traffic light.

6. I was a professional singer for 7 years in my early adult years, and performed in coffee houses and clubs around Detroit.

7. I never had the chickenpox until I was 31 years old. My oldest son caught them at school and gave them to me.

8. I played the bass drum on the drumline in my HS marching band. 34 years later my daughter plays the bass drum on her HS drumline!

I will sleep on whom to tag next, but I wanted to get this much done. Thanks for the trip down memory lane Shel! :)

End of the summer has arrived

Time.

Where did it all go?

Just a few seconds ago I had 10 glorious weeks of vacation to look forward to. Suddenly, the kids return to school on Wednesday and I have to report to work on Thursday.

I swear, I'm gonna quit. I promise, by this time next year I will be a multi-millionaire because of all the shrewd investments I am going to make with all of my non-existant funds.

Yeah, right!!!

Oh well, I am soaking up the remaining days in my flower gardens. Arthur and I have taken the kids to a few more places such as Six Flags over Texas.

Oh... that's right, I need to talk about the trip to Six Flags.

Even though we went with the kids' youth group from our church, for the first 4 hours we were there I actually thought I had landed in HELL!

It was frighteningly hot there. There were very few drinking fountains, and the drink prices were outrageous. It was a Saturday, so we were crushed by throngs of people, and the chatter was loud and incomprehesible. The smell was a combination of spoiled trash can and sweaty humanity. The wait at some of the rides was an hour and a half!!! And I wasn't even sure I really wanted to ride any of them. Yep, just like I imagine HELL!!

But somewhere around 6PM the crowds began to thin a bit, and the weather cooled down. I ended up having a nice time after all, so I guess the early part of the day was merely purgatory!

The kids talked me onto that giant Titan roller coaster. I used to love roller coasters, the bigger the better. But either I am getting too old, or the coasters are getting too big. I won't ride it again. However, I found the Mr. Freeze coaster exhilarating!

Since I was such a good sport, the kids went on the carouselle with me. Thanks kids! :)

Goodbye Richard Defoxxe...

It is never easy to say goodbye to a friend, but it is even harder when you don’t have the opportunity to say it.

I lost one of my best friends less than two months after Andy died.

Rick and I were high school flames. We even talked of marriage, broke up, got back together, broke up… but somehow remained friends in spite of this. Eventually as the years unfolded the truth came out… Richard was gay. He loved me as much as he could, but we truly lived in two different worlds.

When I moved to Oklahoma, Rick became another one of my dear telephone-call/Christmas card buddies back in Detroit. We never lost touch. It was a very sad day for me when he sent a newspaper article about a gay man and his partner living with HIV. The article was a true story… about him.

Rick’s caring and support meant so much to me during Andy’s last months. He already knew that his condition, too, was terminal, but that didn’t stop him from giving us cheery phone calls, sending silly cards and little gifts, and filling boxes with candy for the kids.

I knew he was struggling badly during Andy’s last two weeks. I also knew that I did not have enough of me to go around. Andy needed me desperately, and I didn’t have the energy to return Rick the favor of kindness he had been showing me. I couldn’t even return his calls. I still pray that I didn’t hurt his feelings…that he understood why…

By the time Andy passed away, Rick was living in a world of severe confusion, high fevers, and depression. When I called, he could only say that he was sorry… and I was not even sure if he knew who was calling or what I was saying. A few short weeks later he, too, was gone.

There were no services, not even a memorial gathering. My heart was so heavy… I felt like I had been forced through circumstances to abandon my friend, and then I couldn’t even say goodbye.

Rick continued to drift in and out of my mind. His mother died a couple of years ago, and that news saddened me, mostly because it brought back old memories. I remembered things like how back in our high school days I used to stop by his house while he was at work and tie a ribbon around the tree in his front yard. He always got a kick out of it, and mentioned how his mother would carefully straighten the ribbons if they were messed up. She lived in that same house to the end of her life, and it is still in the family to my knowledge.

On the way back from Maine, Arthur and I spent a couple of days in the Detroit area. One day we drove past Rick’s old street and I suddenly had a bright idea. I was driving, so I told Arthur to hang on tight… I was a woman on a mission!! :) I zipped into a Hallmark store and purchased a spool of ribbon and a fabric rose. Then I zipped back to Rick’s street, pulled in front of the house, and proceeded to tie the ribbon on the tree. For added flair I tucked the flower into the ribbon.

When I stepped back to admire my handiwork, I noticed that the perennial gardens that Richard had tended with such care are still beautiful even 5 years later. I finally was able to say my goodbye, and I have peace knowing that beauty lives on.


In memory of Richard “DeFoxxe” 10-23-1954 - 4-24-2002

The end of vacation

I am one of the rare people that still thinks that road trips are awesome! Here are a few snapshots from the end of our trip.



We drove along Lake Huron in Canada for several miles.


Here is the Blue Water Bridge from Canada into the USA. We were lucky to get across that day... they closed the bridge and evacuated the US Customs office and the Border Patrol office due to a chemical spill... just as we reached the US side of the bridge!


Here is the exact border between the US and Canada. Arthur and I were in the US while John and Shelby were in the back seat in Canada!


Here we are back in Michigan, visiting with Arthur's sons.

The Babies are Here!!

Introducing baby Steven and baby Andrew! Steven is the blondie, Andrew has darker hair.










Not enough words to express the wonder of these beautiful new children. Just a few photos, and I will be back when I am better able to express myself! :)

Typical tourist photos

Yes, I just had to post these!!! Why do tourists always feel the need to bore everybody with their vacation photos???

No babies yet....

My grandtwins were originally scheduled to be delivered by c-section on June 26th, but there was "no room at the inn." (The newborn ICU was full.) So, the delivery date has been moved to Friday.

It would have been a great anniversary gift for Arthur and I, as we celebrated number 3 on the 26th. But, healthy mommy and babies is the most important thing right now.

We have been vacationing our way to New England, and it looks like our arrival is going to be timed perfectly with the babies coming home. We plan to help Jim and Tiff with the cooking and housework to give them plenty of time with the babies, and in the evening we will relax in the hot tub at the Holiday Inn. That's my idea of a perfect vacation!

Anyway, in the meantime... Niagara Falls awaits us in the morning! :)

Getting closer to GRANDMA time!!!

Jim and Tiff's twins have been scheduled to be born by C-section on June 26, 2007. That is also mine and Arthur's third anniversary! HAPPY ANNIVERSARY to us! :)

Today we had a small (just the family) baby shower for them. That makes it a bit more real for me... wow! I can't wait to hold the precious little boys.

An old Kodak moment

Now that I am soon to become a grandmother times two, my thoughts have gone back to my own kids' baby days. I need to dig up some baby photos of Jimmy, but they are very scarce. That was back in the days when film and developing were a luxury. Come to think of it, back then plastic wrap was a luxury. Bread bags worked just fine. OK, I'm digressing...!


I don't need photos to know he was the prettiest baby ever born. After all, he was my first miracle. I will find a photo to scan soon. But for now, here is a photo of Miracle Two, and Miracle Three!

Anybody who knows me understands what pride and love I have for my children. But today I miss my babies.

It's JUNE!

I love June!

Only good things happen to me in June.

My day lilies are blooming! (I'm sharing them with you: here they are!)


Summer break is a big event which begins in June. The kids and I now are officially off for the summer!

My mom's birthday was June 1st, and the family is getting together this weekend to celebrate it with her.

My twin grandbabies are expected this month.

Best of all... my wedding anniversary with Arthur is coming up in 3 weeks. We renewed our wedding vows along with the other June couples at our church last Sunday, and as we said the words I couldn't believe it has already been three years. He is such a blessing to me.

May everybody have a wonderful June!

Guessing game: Which one is which????

Wow, our whole family really pulled off a surprise! This has been in the works for over three months.

Arthur and his twin brother Allen are having birthdays tomorrow. We decided to surprise Arthur by having Allen fly into OKC, and show up at the party we had last night at the Texas Roadhouse.

Kathy and Terry picked Allen up at the airport, and when he arrived, Allen borrowed the waitress' order pad and walked up to Arthur and asked him if he could take his order!! Arthur flushed bright red and his jaw almost hit the table. It was great.

This is a photo of them climbing up into the Roadhouse Birthday Saddle. Now, before I post the rest of the photos, anybody want to venture a guess as to which one is Allen and which one is Arthur? (hint: Arthur is the good looking one.)

Fatherless children

Now that over five years have come and gone I can almost believe that my children won't remember the pain of loss. It's a nice thought while it lasts, but then somebody with more experience than I comes along and tells me what the truth is.

The video of "Wake Me Up When September Ends" shows a young couple separated by war. However, that is not the original meaning of the lyrics. From songfacts.com:

Green Day lead singer Billie Joe Armstrong wrote this about his father, who died of cancer on September 1st, 1982. At his father's funeral, Billie cried, ran home and locked himself in his room. When his mother got home and knocked on the door to Billie's room, Billie simply said, "Wake me up when September ends," hence the title.

The pain even 20 years later is apparent behind Billie Joe Armstrong's words. I am so sad that my own kids are going to have this same melancholy hole in their souls 20 years from now.

Every time I hear the song my eyes fill with tears, not only for my John who turns up the radio every time the song comes on, but also for the little boy inside Billie Joe, who is still crying for his father.

:(


Green Day: Wake Me Up When September Ends Lyrics

Summer has come and passed,
The innocent can never last,
Wake me up when September ends.

Like my fathers come to pass,
Seven years has gone so fast,
Wake me up when September ends.

Here comes the rain again,
Falling from the stars,
Drenched in my pain again,
Becoming who we are.

As my memory rests,
But never forgets what I lost,
Wake me up when September ends.

Summer has come and passed,
The innocent can never last,
Wake me up when September ends,

Ring out the bells again,
Like we did when Spring began,
Wake me up when September ends.

Here comes the rain again,
Falling from the stars,
Drenched in my pain again,
Becoming who we are.

As my memory rests,
But never forgets what I lost,
Wake me up when September ends.

Summer has come and passed,
The innocent can never last,
Wake me up when September ends.

Like my fathers come to pass,
Twenty years has gone so fast,
Wake me up when September ends.
Wake me up when September ends.
Wake me up when September ends.


My love to every child missing a parent, no matter how young or old they are.

Stephanie

Shelby is MARRIED!!!

(Hee Hee, not really!)

Shelby and her boyfriend Eric went through a mock wedding at the high school cancer carnival. The kids had to pay a couple dollars to go through the "ceremony," complete with the photo you see here and golden wedding bands made of plastic.

Eric kept Shel in suspense, though. She kept dropping hints all week before the carnival, but he never "proposed," and she didn't want to do the asking!

Finally, right in the middle of the carnival, Eric grabbed Shelby's hand and pulled her over to where the weddings were taking place and said, "Come on, we're getting hitched!"

Wasn't that the most romantic proposal in the world???

It's nice that they are supporting cancer research. I just hope it doesn't give them any bright ideas!