Finally! Jr. Olympic Photos!

I did not take still photos, but Rosemarie was nice enough to share hers. These pics were taken July 28. This is the team competing to "All that Jazz."




The traveling team, Encore Twirlers of Oklahoma City: Angela, Shelby, Kendy and Beverly.



It's always best to not take yourself too seriously! Good going girls! :)

Fish or Frog?

I don't know what to do with these feelings! I am exhilarated, confused... crazy.

The past few days I have spent a good many hours discussing this situation with Kathy. After all, she has known Arthur for as long as I have.

She keeps telling me: "If you feel he is a keeper, then KEEP him! There are no more fish in the sea. THEY'RE ALL FROGS!!!"

I say: "I'm afraid to put my heart on the line. What if he backs off, and I get my heart broken?"

She says: "Knowing Arthur he is more likely to ask you to MARRY him than back off! I think you guys have always been a little bit crazy about each other!"

But, I say to her "We're talking about ARTHUR here! Our goofy, sweet, hyperactive FRIEND. Have I lost my mind???"

She says: "I don't see any down side to this. You know him, he knows you, you both have always got along."

"But! But! But!!! But..... Isn't this awful fast?? Slap me!"

She just laughs at me.

Some help SHE is!

Well, he has booked a flight to come here for a few days over Fall Break. So, it looks like he might be feeling the same way I am.

I AM crazy! I want to experience life... with Arthur! I want to go square dancing again! I want to teach him to two-step. I want to drive from one end of Rt. 66 to the other with him!

I want to take him to Frontier City and ride the Wildcat! I want to try every ethnic resturant in town. I want us to go to Eskimo Joes and eat cheese fries!!! (OK, I guess I'll draw the line at jumping out of airplanes and mountain climbing.)


Arthur? Could I love Arthur???

An age old friendship

It is amazing to me how POSITIVELY the brief time I spent with Arthur has affected me! During the past 18 months I felt myself age tremendously. I don't really look much different, but I was feeling unattractive, slow and OLD.

It isn't the "romance" thing, as much as spending time with an old friend has reminded me of the person I used to be. I am remembering the Stephanie of the days before I even thought of being anybody's wife. I am now determined to get back to being myself, active, fun-loving and decent-looking.

I've started remembering Arthur from so long ago. I adored him back then, but I was too young and inexperienced to know what to do with those feelings. Eventually we went on to more serious relationships with other people and drifted apart, although we remained friends for all these years.

Here is a photo of us together then. This was taken in May of '72. We think it may be the only picture with both of us together when we were dating, although we have quite a few that we took of each other.

He was so good and kind to me, and we had so much fun back then! We never argued with each other about anything. He used to take me for long rides, first in his green 1971 Pinto, later in his '74 Hornet. One year he bought me a huge Easter basket from Hudson's. I wore his class ring for a little while, but as a "friedship" ring. I saw 'Gone with the Wind' my very first time with him. He was the only guy I knew that smelled great with "British Sterling" cologne!

I remember listening to his McIntosh (not Macintosh, different company) stereo and how he would explain the different types of stereo equipment. Arthur is the person who introduced me to the music of 'The Moody Blues.' We also both happened to be into classical music. When he moved into his first apartment I helped move his stuff, and helped him decorate it. (No, nothing happened between us! He and Sue were already an item.)

We originally met at square dancing. We used to dance with a group called the "Teen Wheelers." I was a newbie at the time, and he was in the advanced group known as "Angels." Although a much better dancer than I, he put up with me until I learned how! I remember how he would ask me to dance, hand behind his back, throwing a teasing smile over his shoulder.

I remember the terrible night his brother Kenny died in a freak accident. I remember him coming over to my house and singing with me, my dad and my brother.

We definitely had a past. Do we have a future???

Romance?? Me??????

I guess I should tell everybody about a rather fun developement that occured during our trip up north.

I had the opportunity to have a date with someone that I used to date in high school. Anybody remember Arthur? I dated him back in 1972! If you don't remember, here is some background.

This is a very interesting situation: I introduced him to his wife back in 1972. Sue was one of my very best friends. They were married in 1977, had 4 boys (Dominic, Greg, Matt and Danny) and a happy marriage. Both of our families were close. Sue even made Marilyn (my sis-in-law's) wedding gown. Two weeks after she delivered the gown, Sue was killed in a car accident. That was 9 years ago, and Art is still single.

We have always been friends, and I never have thought of him as anything but. However, when we had dinner, it became obvious to both of us that something was in the air. We ended the evening with an honest, heartfelt kiss.

Now, he lives a thousand miles away, so I really don't expect anything to come from this, but it made me feel wonderful. I guess I'm ready to think about dating?

It's ironic, because Kathy and I were talking about maybe going to a couple clubs when I returned from vacation. I have been getting weary of only having kids to talk with every evening. I mean, I love my kids... but....! Dinner and a movie would be a nice thing once in awhile!

But in the meantime I have been receiving some pretty sweet emails from up north! This is so much fun! It seems like forever ago that I felt alive like this.

Here's to Romance!!!

Photos from our trip to the Detroit Zoo

Welcome to the Detroit Zoo!



John and Beverly are having fun



Kids in front of the penguin house



A brief rest stop...



...then off we go again!



Playing with a brass elephant



Hey! Who is that ugly kid in back?



John Henry poses in front of a retired train engine



Here comes the Detroit Zoo train to take us for a ride!



Goodbye, all! We have had fun!

Back from the Jr. Olympics

I am going to post this today so that everybody knows we made it back from Detroit safe and sound. The twirling competition was lots of fun! The girls did not make the finals. :(

But they had fun, tried their best, and ended up scoring in the middle, for which we are proud of them all! :)

We had a wonderful time visiting with many old friends that I grew up with...and had a nice surprise when one of those friends presented me with photos that he had taken when Andy and I were up there for our honeymoon!!! I had never seen them before! I will be scanning those and putting them on here in memory of our anniversary. Plus, watch for some photos from our vacation!

Love y'all!!!!

Encore Twirlers

The Encore Twirlers of Oklahoma City are leaving July 25th for Detroit to compete in the Jr. Olympics. We are very excited! Even if the team doesn't place, it is exciting that they made it in!

Competing: Angela, Beverly, Kendy, and Shelby.

GOOD LUCK, GIRLS!

True Friends

I have found that there are some people who really mean it when they say: "Let us know if you need anything."

Bruce and Patty, our neighbors across the street, are that way. They have done everything for me from babysitting, to yard work, to home repairs. They bring over food. He has done woodworking for years, and has helped my son build birdhouses and etc. No charge, of course.

The amazing thing is, these people are in their 70's, and both have had health problems. I try to not ask them for things all the time, because I don't want to take advantage of their kindness.

Many of my friends have managed to include me in activities in such a way that I don't feel out of place, or like a 3rd wheel. Somehow, our friendships remain without any change other than we all miss Andy. There is no awkwardness when we get together.

It is good to know that so many people are kind.

I now feel peace at the cemetery

It really is a beautiful place, and it makes me feel close to nature.


I don't usually cry when I am there, I just reflect about the meaning of life and death.

I know that Andy's spirit is not there in the grave, I still feel him all around me wherever I go. Although I can't see him, I feel that our love continues just as bright.

It makes me feel good to keep his grave tidy, and the headstone polished. I feel good each time I bring him a single rose from our garden, or place a flag on his grave. I guess it is a way for me to continue to show honor to him, by keeping up the place where his earthly remains rest.

Even if he isn't really there.

John Henry's Latest Drawing

He was very proud of this. I think a psychologist would love to try to interpret the meaning. Notice Mommy is the sun, and Daddy is the tree. (OK, we need to work a bit on spelling!)

The drawing made me feel good, because it looks bright and hopeful.

What a strange thing to say!

Just when I think I have heard it all, somebody says something unbelievable!

I was talking the other day about how I always thought Andy was totally handsome with his dark hair and eyes, and how I would have to catch my breath whenever I looked at him. Here is the rest of the conversation:

"I sure wish you could have met him. He was totally gorgeous!"

"Well, remember, I WAS at the funeral!"

"HUH???"

"Yes, I got to see him at the funeral."

"You mean in the casket???"

"Well, sure!"

I was shocked! How can anybody think that Andy could have looked anything like himself after months of illness, and then death? I guess he looked ok, as far as the deceased can look, but come on now!!!!

Well......on second thought, I guess he REALLY was gorgeous, if somebody thought he looked good after death.

Leaving for Detroit. Happy or not?

Ambivalant feelings...

My upcoming trip to Detroit is going to be difficult. I grew up there, and used to go back about 2 times a year to visit. Andy always drove. He always insisted on doing all of the driving on vacations. Although we were generally equal partners in everything, I let him have his way in that area... somehow I enjoyed the feeling of being protected and safe on those road trips.

This is going to be my first trip there since he got sick. I am not at all worried about doing the driving, I always knew that I could do it, no prob. However, I am dreading the "he should be with us" feelings with each landmark we pass.

We made it to New Mexico, Amarillo and Austin last year. Shelby and I made it to St. Louis in April. The hardest, most emotional trip we made so far was the relatively short 3 hours to Altus in March. I just about lost it when we drove into sight of the places that used to make me break into joking songs: "The Everlasting Hills of Oklahoma," and "Deyo." I still remember how Andy would playfully roll his eyes and say "Honeyyyy... MUST you do that?"

I guess if I made it through that, I can make it through this.

Another Message!

My latest feeling of contact was just the other day.

I was cleaning out the pantry, and I came across a bottle of wine that had been given to us for our wedding. I read the label, and noticed it was from "The Vineyards of Sonoma County." I was not really torn up, just mildly sad and reflecting. I held the cool bottle to my face and thought to myself "I wonder if Andy even thinks of little trivial things like this wine now?"

I put the bottle back, and went into the living room and turned on the radio. Just then the song "You're still Here" came on. That song always makes me cry. But the strangest thing was right after the song the DJ came on and said, and I quote:

"...and that was Faith Hill. Now for the latest sports news... There is probably plenty of Sonoma Whining going on today, get it?? SONOMA WINE? Ha ha!..." (end quote.)

Those were her exact words. She was talking about some sporting event in Sonoma, but I knew the true message!

Reflections on the afterlife. (Deep thoughts.)

Andy's death and my experiences since have profoundly affected the way I feel about eternity.

I think he fought to live so hard not because he was afraid to die, but he knew he was leaving us behind. He loved us so much. I clung to him because I didn't want us to be separated, even if where he was going WAS better. Once it became clear that he was not going to recover, I let him go. It was the hardest thing I ever did, but I loved him too much to watch him suffer any more.

I was raised with, and always believed the Christian message. I still believe it, but I now feel that life beyond is too much for us to comprehend. That is why the Bible and other holy texts were given to us... to give us mortals a tiny bit of the understanding of what is beyond, and how to live now.

I will continue to practice my religion, and have faith that there is everlasting life. However, now I accept that I can't possibly understand God, the meaning of life, or the universe. And, that's OK.

I plan on enjoying the ride, and I will find out the rest when it is my time to join Andy.

I have this image in my mind that brings me peace. I am very old, drawing my last breaths. I look up to see Andy by my bedside, grinning that grin of his. Such joy! He reaches his hand out to me and I take it. I feel warm, safe as he leads me toward the light...

Looking back on last summer.

I was at 5 months this time last summer, and the kids and I had not had a single home cooked meal by then. We either ate with friends or relatives, or went out to eat.

It wasn't the cooking part that had me freaked out, it was the sitting at the table with an empty place. I just couldn't face it at that time.

It wasn't until school started back up last year that we went back to eating at home. It forced us back into a daily pattern, and I was actually ready for that next step by then.

I prepared in advance by buying a new tablecloth and placemats, and shopped for a week of easy meals. After the first couple of meals it was OK.

But his place still seems so empty, even now...

Emptiness... just emptiness.

Every day I find myself growing more accustomed to the idea that Andy really is gone, never to return. I don't know if that makes me more happy, or more sad.

In my period of most intense grief, at least I felt STRONG emotion. Lately, I have reached an "even keel." Although I am no longer brought to my knees with pain, I am also not feeling intense joy, either.

Don't get me wrong... my kids bring me pleasure, I love doing things with my friends, etc. But I miss the feeling of anticipation that I used to feel when I knew it was time for Andy to call, or when we were going out together, even after 17 years.

Sometimes I think the pain was better than the emptiness is...but...I figure this is another phase I am going through.

I wrote a poem many years ago that now seems prophetic:

My Secret Knife

The razor edge of a secret knife,
Slices my soul where no one can see.

The world looks on, but cannot see
That one is dying secretly.

If you should find the secret knife,
Let it stay. Please! Let it be.

The pain within far supercedes
The emptiness without.

57 Chevy... (my dream)

I am finally having more frequent dreams about Andy, now that 15 months has passed. I think maybe I was afraid to dream about him. Now I love it when he is in my dreams.

My most recent one was a lot of fun, very strange, but I woke up happy. It was very vivid, I have heard dreams like this referred to as "technicolor dreams." In my dream, he called me on my cell phone. (This would be a first, since I didn't get the cell until after he died.)

I gasped, "Honey! Where are you???"

He said, "Well, SOMEBODY thought I was dead and had me buried. It took me awhile to get out of there."

He told me where he was, and I drove over to see him. He was waiting for me with a shiny yellow and white 57 Chevy.

I said, "I take it you are doing the driving."

He laughed and took me for a ride, then dropped me off at our house. He mentioned something about having to pick a friend up on his way out. I then woke up in a joyful mood, and drifted off to sleep again with a warm sense of peace. I don't know what the dream meant, but I enjoyed the ride! :)

Now, for the rest of the story.

Just after I woke up in the morning I received a call that Andy's brother-in-law Raymond had passed away during the night. Could that have been the friend that was waiting for the ride? It would be so cool if he had really visited me, and Raymond had a fun ride on his way to the other side!

A story by John Henry, (age 8)

I am turning this post over to John Henry. He wrote this story for school.

A Monster Under my Bed!

By John Henry


One day I looked under my bed. There was an egg. I put the egg by the fire to see what kind of egg it was. It was a MONSTER egg! It was just a baby, but not for long. He ate, and ate, and ate. Then he drank, and drank, and drank. Then he ate some more.Then, after that he decided that he was going to destroy the town! He ate buildings and cars and people and bill boards. After awhile the police decided they couldn't handle it any more and they called the Army. The Army called the Navy. The Navy called the Marine Corps. They started off to get that monster. Planes covered the air. Tanks covered the grounds. But then I said "Stop! I can tame him!" I got a net and threw it on him. The Army, the Navy, and the Marine Corps all said "HE DID IT!!!!"

The End.

A memory quilt for my birthday

This quilt was made by Mary Kay Roy, out of my Honey's shirts. Didn't she do a wonderful job?

Naturally, every shirt has a story. I will only tell a couple.

The American flag shirt second from the upper left is his of the identical shirts we all wore on 4th of July, 2000, and also one year to the State Fair. The blue patch in the center is the scrub shirt he wore during the birth of John Henry. On the back of the quilt is fabric with Labrador Retrievers, in memory of Sheba.

It took her almost a year before she could even bring herself to cut into his clothes to make the quilt. But what a wonderful birthday present to me.

I love you Mary Kay!

My surprise from Shelby

I received a huge surprise tonight! Shelby won a first place award for an essay that she wrote about Andy. Not only did she win a prize from her school, she won first place among all 6th grade students in the school district! I don't know how she kept the secret, but she did not tell me until after they announced her name at the awards assembly.

Here is her essay:

My Daddy
By Shelby Waller
Kenneth Cooper Middle School
Mary Lillard, Teacher


My daddy was a very strong man. He had many trials in his young life. He almost drowned in a well at age two. His closest sibling was eight years older than him. His dad died when my daddy was only thirteen. He was then the man of the house, and had to work on his parents' farm in little Friendship, Oklahoma. He didn't finish high school. He quit school in the eleventh grade to go fight for his country. He was a supply truck driver for the army in the Vietnam War. My dad finished school many years later.

He got married very young. He had three daughters, three sons, and many stepchildren from his marriages. They were Frances the oldest, Andrea, Andy, me and then my youngest brother John Henry.

Before my mom and dad were married a terrible thing happened. He was at a new job as a truck driver when a fork lift driver dropped a car on him. He survived, but came out of the accident a paraplegic. He was rushed to the hospital and given large amounts of blood. He and his wife became divorced because of all of the stress of the accident.

My daddy and mom were married on August 14, 1987. I was born in 1990, then soon after they had my brother John Henry. In 1994 Dad started to have medical problems. He almost died when I was five years old. He started to get better, but he could not go back to work. He was completely well then for three more years. Then he got really sick and went to the hospital. The doctors figured out that when he had the blood transfusions he had gotten hepatitis C. When they figured it out it was too late for them to do anything for him. He was in the hospital on my birthday in 2001 and I can remember that he gave me his jello because that was all he had.

My daddy passed away on February 25, 2002. My mom always called him her hero, and that is what it says on his headstone. I miss him every second and when I'm really sad I think of what he had to go through and it gives me the strength to move on.

One day at a time.

Just got back from St. Louie!

I went to a "convention" for young widows that was held in St. Louis, MO. Left Friday morning, and we just got home. Shelby went with me. We had a great time! She enjoyed being an "almost grown up" getting to lounge around in the hotel room, while I spent time at the activites. I did take her to the "Hard Rock Cafe" so she could get one of the T-shirts, and a couple other places. There were about 45 of us younger widows from all over the country. One even came from Canada!

One of the activities we were able to take part in was a trip to the Anheiser-Busch brewery. I am not much of a drinker, but it was pretty interesting. The adults did partake in a couple of beers at 9:30 AM, which made our group come up with the slogans: "BEER, it's not just for BREAKFAST anymore." and "BEER: The Breakfast of Champions." (No, Shelby did NOT have any beer!)

We had fun, and we were able to give each other some much needed support. I will post photos of our trip as soon as I get them developed.

Visiting Bear and Kelly

Bear and Kelly's little piece of country paradise!


We took a trip down south and spent the day at Bear and Kelly's new house. What a neat place, about 5 miles outside of town, quiet, with a few acres around it. Shelby and John Henry unanimously agreed "That was the greatest meal we have had in a long time!"

Springtime Reflections

Daffodils make me cry.

They were the last flower Andy ever saw. The day before he died, we helped him to sit outside in his wheelchair. It was February, and in the part of Oklahoma that we live I have never seen them bloom that early before.

The weather was in the 70's that day, and he died early the next morning. The temp plunged into the teens a few hours after he died, and literally froze all the blooming daffodils.

I felt it was fitting, because that was how I felt inside. Frozen.

I don't think I can ever look at another daffodil again in my life and not think of Andy.

Premonition of now

Is it possible that deep inside we already know our futures? I have been thinking back the past few days... and remembered the time when we were preparing to go to Michigan for my 20 year class reunion.

Andy and I went to buy a new suit for him. It was a beautifully tailored western cut grey tweed suit, and it looked great on him. I need to mention that my cowboy NEVER dressed up. He loved his jeans and western shirts.

He modeled the new suit for me at home. Suddenly, I pictured him in that suit in a coffin. I began to cry. He took my hand and said gently, "Honey, it isn't going to happen for a long time." It was really weird how he read my thoughts. It was as though we BOTH saw the future. It was SO eerie.

Well, when he died, the nicest clothing he owned, treasured by him, was still that suit. I had an impulse to NOT have him wear it, because of that vision we shared 9 years ago. But, ultimately that is what he was buried in.

So strange.

My personal season of Lent

There is a time that, for lack of better words, I considered this year to be "my personal season of lent."

It began on November 26, and ended on February 25: the anniversary of Andy's death.

I relive each moment... the trip to the ER, the days in ICU, the painful treatments, his improving, then crashing over and over, the emergency surgery that he wasn't expected to live through (but he did)...

I remember the day that I ignored the rules and put him in his wheelchair and took him outside, oxygen and all...just because he wanted to go. Later that same day we had our last conversation where I was wailing "Why does God let things like this happen??? He told me: "I'm not gonna question 'The Man Upstairs' because He knows what He's doing." So incredible, so wonderful that Andy still trusted the Lord, even after all the pain and indignity he suffered. Comforting in the fact that I know that he is now in Paradise.

I remember bringing him home, holding his hand... his last words to me about 18 hours before he died, "I'm gonna miss you"

...me whispering in his ear over and over as he was breathing his last breaths: "I will love you forever. Take that with you!" and then he died in my arms.

It has been so painful to relive it, and for the two weeks before the anniversary, I felt like I was right back to square one. But, for me, that intense period of renewed grief actually has brought me closer to healing. When the anniversary came, I felt like I had been cleansed of alot of confusing, gut-wrenching emotional baggage. I was able to let go of the bad in many ways, and hang on to the good. I hadn't realized how many of the GOOD things I had forgotten! Things like his strenghth, his faith, and his intense love for me and our kids.

The anniversary, or the "sadiversary" if you will, has come and gone...

The kids and I flew the flag from the dawn of the 25th to the dusk of the 28th (the day of his funeral.) I took him a yellow rose. I told him I love him and I miss him.

He is still my hero.