Another Step

This is an essay that I wrote for the Chapter Two website. I posted some of the essay on our personal family site on Sept. 16th, in honor of the passing of the date of mine and Andy's wedding anniversary. Here is the essay in its entirety.

Love, Stephanie

***
June 26, 2004

“You dried my tears, and brought me joy that I never thought I would find again. Stephanie, I know that Andy will forever be in your heart, and I will honor that always. Today as we begin our new lives together as husband and wife, I give you the same promise that you kept with him: ‘Until death do us part.’ You are the friend of my youth, and I love you.”

“You dried my tears, and brought me joy that I never thought I would find again. Arthur, I know that Sue will forever be in your heart, and I will honor that always. Today as we begin our new lives together as husband and wife, I give you the same promise that you kept with her: ‘Until death do us part.’ You are the friend of my youth, and I love you.”
***


On the road to healing, I have coined my own personal phrase: "Life is linear." It only moves forward. And, at times, I am glad it is that way.

Don't get me wrong; I loved Andy with every fiber in my being. I never wanted him out of my life. I felt like I was dying myself as he slipped away. But things have changed so very much since he has been gone.

Think of this: how could I begin to go backward at this point? Arthur is now as important to the “present” of my life as Andy was to the “past.” Our relationship has it’s own life and breath… I now love Arthur with an indescribable love that feels completely different than the indescribable love I shared with Andy. I do glance in the rear view mirror at times, however, because where I have been is part of where I am today, and I need to remember that.

My current marriage has brought me so much joy. At the same time, it has absolutely nothing to do with my grief process. I still have moments when I get slammed by a huge wave from the past, and the pain will literally suck the breath out of me. Therefore, I now keep an eye on the ocean, because I have learned how hard it can strike just when I think the storm is finally over.

At times I will find myself “stuck.” When that happens, I feel like I am wearing concrete boots, and just can’t move. But, somehow when I can't seem to get going, some invisible power seems to reach out and help me get started again.

One example of a personal “moving forward” dilemma was what to do about my answering voice mail message. Andy died in early 2002, and I could not bear the thought of deleting his voice. It seemed like deleting another part of HIM!

My decision ended up simply being to make no decision. So, Andy's patient drawl continued to greet my callers through 2002, 2003...

Then I became engaged to Arthur. Still, Andy continued to take my messages.

"Yo, this is Andy. We can't come to the phone right now..."

Arthur completely understood my feelings. He told me to keep Andy's voice as long as I wanted. So came 2004... I married Arthur in June, and to everybody's surprise Andy's voice continued to answer my calls.

Enter 2005... and Andy was tirelessly still being my secretary.

But, suddenly it just didn't feel right any more. I did not feel disloyal to Arthur, but I felt like it was disrespectful to Andy in a weird way. It became time to let him rest.

The decision to change the message was made easier by the fact a competing company was offering a "bundle" plan where I could get my phone, internet and cable TV all on one bill for less money. By switching, I had to give up my voice mail and the message with it.

March 18, 2005 was the last day Andy answered my calls. I was sad, but it was time.

It is now my own voice that answers when we are unavailable.

My son Jimmy managed to save Andy's message and convert it to a computer file, so if I ever need to I can still hear it.

It is just another step into my Chapter Two.

Arthur and Kids on our trip to Michigan

This was taken on Mackinaw Island, which is located between the lower and upper peninsula of Michigan. It is a beautiful place where time has stood still since the early 1900's. If anybody ever saw the movie "Somewhere in Time," this is where it was filmed.

We all rode bikes around the island. There are no cars there. You either have to ride bikes, take a carriage ride, ride horses, or walk.

Shelby went horseback riding for awhile, and Arthur, John and I had "cocktails" in a restaurant in the Grand Hotel!

Photos: The Flying Thunderbirds

Yesterday we went to the Independence Day celebration at Tinker Airforce Base. I managed to catch this picture of the Flying Thunderbirds as they came over. Not bad for an amature photographer, eh? :)
This time I got all six of them!! :)

I got my Sign!!!

(Excerpt from a post on the YWBB. This is part two. See previous post for part one.)

My sign is related to an OLD dream of mine, from back in '03. Here is my post about it from then:

Click here: My Dream

Today while I was on my way to the park to have my time of reflection, I passed... you guessed it... a yellow and white 57 Chevy. I don't remember ever seeing one around here before!!!!

My interpretation?

One day I WILL get that ride. I don't need to worry any longer that Andy has rejected me. But for now, I will live, and enjoy life in the PRESENT. My present is to be the best mom, and the best wife to Arthur that I can be.

I am returning to my "Sane Stella" personality now.

Thanks for putting up with "Crazy Stella!"

Love,
Sane Stella


(Stella being my pen name on the young widow board.)

Terrible dream is eating at me

(excerpt from a post on the ywbb)


It already has been 3 days since I had this dream. I have had bad dreams before, but usually they fade away rapidly. But, this one is hanging on... and I don't know what to do or what to think!!!

The dream went like this: I found myself with Andy, don't know how, and for some reason I wasn't surprised to see him. But, he was acting very distant. Finally I asked him, "Is there someone new?" He looked remorseful, and said, "Yes. Curiosity got the best of me." It wasn't so much that admission that bothered me, (after all, I am remarried) but then he turned away and I ran after him screaming his name, and he just kept going...

I have heard that those who are "crossing over" will come back in a dream to say goodbye. I could handle that, if he had to go... but couldn't the dream be nicer??? I keep feeling crazy... but since the dream I haven't "felt" his presence, no signs in months... why am I letting a dream get to me so much???

Thank goodness Arthur is so understanding with me, I would probably have kicked myself to the curb by now!

Several of my young widow friends have suggested possibilities for the dream... Perhaps it is my upcoming first anniversary to Arthur; (I counted anniversaries for 17 years with Andy, and maybe I feel like it was I who abandoned him?) Maybe I am trying to work through other unresolved conflicts. I have pondered each suggestion, and they all make sense. I do know in my heart that he would never leave me like that. He fought too hard to stay with us.

Another thing I thought of... this is the beginning of Summer here. Season changes have always been the hardest thing for me, even worse than anniversaries. Shelby just had her dance recital, always a "BIG EVENT" for us. I just ended work for the school year. The weather, the trees, everything drags me back in time...

Well, in a few minutes I am leaving to take the kids to "our park." This park is like a time capsule for us... it has not changed at all in 20 years except for the trees getting a bit bigger. After I spend a day of reflection there, I usually feel more grounded.

More later.

Grandma's Birthday Bash

Happy Birthday Grandma R!!!

Grandma's birthday is actually on June 1st, but we celebrated it today. We had a cookout and played cards.

Some of Grandma's family


Wow!! She can still blow out the candles!

Many Happy Returns! :)

Terry had a VERY bad day at work!

Thankfully he was not badly hurt!!

For those who don't know him, Terry is my best friend Kathy's husband, AKA "The Cable Guy!"

Here is the story in Kathy's words.

A careless driver came onto the highway and cut across to the left lane where Terry was driving. The other driver was going at a very slow rate of speed, and this is what happened when Terry swerved to avoid hitting them. Of course the other driver just left apparently oblivious to what had happened. Nobody stopped to help him, but two OKC police officers witnessed it, ( it wasn't their jurisdiction, because the wreck happened in Moore) and came and helped him out of the van.

In reality, I think that the State of Oklahoma is partly to blame for this wreck. This is the only state I have ever driven in where there is a "YIELD" sign at the end of the on ramp, instead of a "MERGE" sign. The whole point of the on ramp seems to be lost on the OK department of transportation. The ramp is there so that drivers entering the freeway can accelerate to match the speed of the traffic on the freeway and "MERGE" smoothly into the flow of traffic. The "YIELD" sign causes people to slow to a near stop and then move slowly (and dangerously) into the fast moving traffic on the freeway. Maybe we should start a letter writing campaign to our legislators.

Thank God for seat belts. Terry has a little bump on his head, some scrapes to his elbow and knee, and some mild whiplash. Otherwise he is OK. He will probably feel like he rolled over in a van in the morning. His cell phone was killed.

I love you...

I love you.

You are good to me.

I enjoy the person that you are.

You give me new reason to enjoy each day.

You are my listening ear, and my shoulder to cry on.

You understand my humor, and laugh with me!!!!

Because of you, I am finding ME again! :)

As we work together, we gain strength.

You are my light in a dark world.

You are my sweet friend.

I love you.

Arthur's Birthday Present

There was an air show in town this weekend. What better present for Plane Nut Arthur than a ride on a vintage WWII 2 engine airplane? Happy 58th Birthday Arthur!

Arthur was allowed to sit in the co pilot's seat... he even got to wear the headphones! (Not pictured unfortunately.)Taken from outside the plane.



This is the plane!Some pretty scenery... shows some of the houses in the neighborhoods by our house.



John Henry went, too. I think he liked it!! :) Shelby and I stayed safely on the ground, thank you very much.After their flight we all had lunch at the Runway Cafe. The burgers were great! I think Arthur had a great time.

OH NO!!! My BIG 5-OH!

OK, now I get to start counting backward!

Shelby's science project

This is a "Rube Goldberg" project, designed to use the most difficult means possible to turn off a light bulb.

Shelby designed it, and Shelby and Arthur put it together. Shelby's report on this project is below:

(click on the image to run the project) This is a VIDEO!!!...




WHO IS RUBE GOLDBERG?
Report by Shelby Waller

Rube Goldberg won the Pulitzer Prize for his cartoons. He was also a sculptor and an author.

Reuben Lucius Goldberg (Rube Goldberg) was born in San Francisco. His father was very practical and his father thought that it was necessary that Rube should go to college and become and engineer. Rube ended up going to the University of California Berkeley. After graduation he worked for the City of San Francisco as an engineer. He worked in the Water and Sewers Department.

Rube always was drawing, and after six months convinced his father that he had to work as an artist. He got a job in an office at a San Francisco newspaper. He worked in the sports department. He kept turning in his illustrations and cartoons to his editor, until they finally made it into the newspaper. A wonderful accomplishment, he moved from San Francisco to New York. He began illustrating daily cartoons for the Evening Mail. A founder of the National Cartoonist Society, a political cartoonist and a Pulitzer Prize winner, Rube was a loved national character as well as a radio and television personality during his sixty-year career.

Through his inventions, Rube Goldberg invented hard ways to get easy results. His drawings were elements of man's accommodation for using maximum effort to achieve minimal results. He believed that there were two ways to do things: the simple way and the hard way, and that a surprising number of people preferred doing things the hard way.

Rube’s inventions will withstand time because he gave importance to simple human needs and admired basic human values. He was sometimes hesitating about technology, which added to making his own inventions full of human, plant, and animal parts. While most machines work to make difficult tasks simple, his inventions made simple tasks amazingly complex. Dozens of arms, wheels, gears, handles, cups, and rods were put in motion by balls, canary cages, pails, boots, bathtubs, paddles, and live animals for simple tasks like squeezing an orange for juice or closing a window in case it should start to rain before one gets home.

Rube's cartoons show absurd machines working in extremely complex and roundabout ways to produce a simple end result; because of this Rube Goldberg has become connected with any bizarre system of achieving a basic task. Rube's inventions are a unique comment on life's complications. They show a humorous diversion into the absurd parodies of the wonders of technology. Rube's funny send-ups of man's ingenuity strike a deep and lasting chord with today's audience through caught in a high-tech revolution are still seeking simplicity.

Hardly a day goes by without The New York Times, National Public Radio, The Wall Street Journal or some other major media invoking the name Rube Goldberg to describe a wildly complex program, system or set of rules such as our "Rube Goldberg-like tax system". The annual National Rube Goldberg Machine Contest at Purdue University, which is covered widely by the national media, brings Rube's comic inventions to life for millions of fans.

The work of Rube Goldberg continues to connect with both an adult audience well versed in the promise and pitfalls of modern technology (can anyone over 40 program their VCR?) as well as younger fans intrigued by the creativity and possibility of invention.BR>

Congratulations Kelly!

A big Hooray for the Graduate!!

Three years today...

Can't believe it. Incredible. Where did my old life go? I am content, but teary at the same time??? What in the heck is going on with me??? I don't like this. I hate this.

Yesterday the kids and I watched an old video that had been lost. I found it while cleaning our a drawer. The video was from 1995, and had so much footage of Andy that I had forgotten. Him feeding baby John Henry, wrestling with the kids, etc etc... did that life ever exist? Even the kids have changed. I love them dearly but my babies are gone, never to return.

My present life is good, but so was my old life. But that one is gone. Must keep looking forward. Keep going, keep going....

I had some comfort from a happening the other day:

On 2/22 (222?) the pendelum in my anniversary clock stopped spinning. It resumed spinning the next day. That same day, a car passed me on the road with a message in the back window in large red letters: "2222's ain't NUTHIN HARD!"

I probably will sound crazy, but I smelled Polo cologne very strongly in the living room yesterday. That was what Andy wore more than anything.

Other more subtle things have happened during the past few days. Maybe I am just more aware of things because of the date. Maybe they are messages. I don't know...

But I don't think he has forgotten us. I know I haven't forgotten him.

Andy's Personal day of Infamy... 25 years ago today

Twenty five years ago tomorrow, on February 6, 1980 an event occured that directly or indirectly affected so many of those who read my words.

February 6 of 2005 marks the 25th anniversary of the date Andy was hurt in the accident that left him paralyzed.

This event, tragic though it was, helped shape him into the person that I met and fell in love with. Despite his injury, he had learned over the years how to carry on with his life in strength and dignity. I like to think that it also made ME a better person, having known him and having observed the way he lived his life. Whenever I feel like complaining about getting out of bed in the morning, how hard it is to get to work, my headache, or other every day problems, I try to remember how grateful he was for each day. Although life was often a struggle for him, he did whatever he had to do to accomplish something each day. He lived that way from the day I met him, until he drew his last breath.

I just wanted to post my reflections at the quarter-century mark of Andy's personal "Day of Infamy."

Love,
Stephanie

Surreal Moment

I need to post about a very surreal moment I experienced today.

Dinner table, same. Kitchen, updated, but same. Same curtains, same plant in the window I have had for 20 years. Even the same china!

But family??? I am the only one the same from a similar setting 14 years ago. Two different dogs under the table. 3 different faces at the table. The older kids are grown, I am remarried, Andy is dead.

It was a very, very weird feeling. Not even as much sad as STRANGE.

Does this make any sense?

If you don't like the weather in Oklahoma....

...just wait a minute!

This is Wednesday
Weather: Sunny
Temp: 71

This is Friday
Weather: Blizzarding
Temp: 30!

Thoughts about blending a new family

It is infuriating, interesting, and sometimes even comical the way some people think. There are some that behave like a teacher at one of my schools. She was the most thoughtful person in the world! She truly understood my grief, my need to tell the same stories over and over, and was there like a rock for me.

Until... I started seeing Arthur. Then she treated me like I was committing adultery!!

There are others who believe that since Arthur and I are married we have gone back to being a nice, neat little nuclear family. So of course we are healed and never feel sadness about our late spouses. And our kids have a new parent!! Oh how wonderful for them, right??? No more grieving for the lost parent!

"The Brady Bunch, the Brady Bunch! That's the way we became the......."

(HA!)

I thought people were uncomfortable about me talking about Andy BEFORE! Now some are too happy to remind me that "that is all in the past now."

Here is a glimpse of what the older kids feel. My new stepson Matt advised in an email to his dad about being a step parent to my 9 and 13 year old kids:

"Dad, if you really want to make this work try not to be their dad for a while but a friend to them. Don't make them call you 'Dad' or say that you are their new dad. Even if you say that Stephanie is going to be our new mom it sounds stupid, not that we hate her but no one could be our mom again. Try to let them know that their relationship with Stephanie will always be more important than yours and theirs."

A pretty wise 21 year old, if you ask me.

I don't think people are intentionally insensitive, they just want us to be happy again. So now that things outwardly appear to be 'back to normal,' they feel appeased. They have a hard time understanding that happiness must return for us on our OWN terms and within us, not just in the outward picture. Even though much joy has returned, there will always be moments of grief and reflection on the past.

In short, Arthur and I love each other, but we will always have that loss in our history and hearts. So will our children. A new marriage does not make it all better any more than a new car, a new dress, or a vacation to Tahiti would. It is something that we must learn to live with as we keep inching toward that elusive 'new normal.' We must keep on counting all of our blessings, both old AND new.

Rings and Things

Some musings about all my rings...

My right hand proudly wears Andy's wedding band on the index finger, my wedding and anniversary bands on the ring finger, and a Valentines gift ring from him on my pinkie.

I moved my wedding band and anniversary ring from my left hand to my right on the second wedding anniversary after his death. I did that in a slightly melodramatic but satisfying self ceremony at his gravesite.

I still feel good that I kept Andy's wedding band and replaced it with a silver one prior to his burial. We had agreed many years before that neither of us would bury the other with an expensive piece of jewelry. I hated to think of him forever ringless, though... It still surprises me that my widow-brain was able to come up with that idea at the time.

Now, even with new wedding rings on the left representing the present, I take comfort in having the right hand honor my past, and the memories that go with it.

After all, who I am today is made up of the total sum of my life... past and present.

Trip to Austin

Our family took the train to Austin, TX and stayed for 4 days before Christmas. I love the train! Santa even traveled with us, and gave the kids candy canes! :)

This is me, Arthur, Jimmy and Tiffanie. They took us out to eat at an excellent Italian restaurant called Carmello's.

Another Christmas at Doug and Marilyn's

It Must have been the Mistletoe!

The holiday does not seem to be carrying the pain this year that it has for the past couple of years.... so.....

Exactly what WAS it that made me want to recover? How did I open myself up to the possibility of allowing someone new to share my life?

It wasn't any earth shattering revelation. The heavens didn't open up, there was no burning bush or anything! :)

Don't laugh...it was the song “It Must have been the Mistletoe!”

I was at the 10 month stage, still pretty much a baby on the journey, but far enough ahead that I no longer spent every night in a tearful sobbing mess. It was Christmas time, and I did not, DID NOT want Christmas to come that year. Unable to stop it, I put all blue lights on the house to signify “I’ll have a blue Christmas without you.” It was hard getting ready, so hard buying the kids’ presents, just… so hard.

I created a memorial page for my Christmas without Andy. (It is still on here) The kids and I made ornaments with his photo on them at our grief support group. I threw myself into having the holidays be Memorial days. I felt like it should forever be that way, and I was preparing for all my future Christmases.

But one day, the week before the holiday, Barbara Mandrell came on the radio with her song. And I stopped what I was doing and listened:

“Our first Christmas, more than I’d been dreaming of… old St. Nicholas had his fingers crossed that we would fall in love….”

Instead of feeling grief, I felt dreamy... and suddenly I had the first surge of HOPE! I realized I wanted romance in my life again!

The lyrics went on to speak about a midnight sleigh ride, a crazy snowball fight, and a first kiss. I danced in my head along with the music, and it was at that moment I knew that, although I wasn’t ready yet, someday I would… I WOULD allow myself to love again!

So, here's to MUSIC, ROMANCE, and HOPE!!!

Oh, and the lights on my house this year are multicolored, not blue… but there are still a few blue lights mixed in.

John Saves the Day!

John's class presented a musical based on "The Night Before Christmas." He was supposed to be a Caroler with a couple of lines.

The day of the performance, the kid who played one of the lead characters "Papa Mouse" was sick. John's teacher asked him to take the part. He had 20 minutes to learn all of his lines! A bunch of lines. Not only did he learn them, but he performed without a single mistake!

Here he is in the beginning of his performance as Papa Mouse, leading the other mice, while not a creature was stirring behind them. His part was a lot bigger than in the original story!! :)

The only thing that stays the same is everything changes...

...or to quote a line from a different country song: "Life's about changes nothing ever stays the same."

The other day I noticed the bath robe I bought a couple weeks after Andy died is worn out. That will make 2 new bath robes now since he died!

It is interesting that a change that I initiate myself does not have the sting as much as a change that happens on its own. How dare things change without checking in with me first???

The latest uninvited change that blindsided me is that the Eckerd Drug chain has been bought by CVS. I think Andy and I purchased all of our prescriptions at Eckerd the whole time we were together. I bought my pregnancy tests there. His signature vanilla pipe tobacco came from there. Baby diapers. Photo developing. I even felt like I was living there the last days of his life.

How stupid is that, getting misty eyed because a drug store is changing the name???

Thought for the day...

We should all take a lesson from Victoria:

At Christmas time, sometimes you have to stop and smell the Poinsettias.

(Photo taken Dec 1999)

Zorro, Jesus, and Scream

3 of my favorite ghouls! :)

(About the Jesus part, Shelby has been on a Godspell kick this year.)