Remembering Phoenix

I need to tell the story, but I’m not sure how to start. It feels like something I have never completely absorbed, because it happened during the 18 months of confusion preceding Andy’s death.

Seven years ago today Andy and I lost our little grandson, Phoenix. He was the son of Andy’s oldest daughter Frances, and we were his “Papa and Nana La-la.” (He couldn’t pronounce “Waller.” We loved it!)

“Whacha doin’ Papa La-la?”

“Nana La-la, watch me run! I be the FASTEST!”

Phoenix loved to play, and loved to run. But on that day in 2001, he ran too far. He was in the front yard with his older sister, and before she could stop him he chased his soccer ball into the road in front of an oncoming pickup.

Already overwhelmed with his own illness and in the hospital himself, Andy called me. I so wish I had been with him when he was told that Phoenix had died, but I had left for home just a half hour earlier. He could barely speak, and I was brought to my knees by the news. John and Shelby were totally devastated, and that night they slept with me, all of us in a tight cluster in the middle of my bed.

Phoenix was buried 3 days later in a pretty little rural cemetery in the little town of Roland, Oklahoma. It was about a three hour drive from here, and Andy was not well enough to leave the hospital for the funeral. I wrote down every detail so I could tell him all about it. Little did we know that Andy would be joining Phoenix in heaven a year later, almost to the day.

One strange little thing happened at the graveside. A little calico cat darted out of nowhere, and kept on rubbing all over John. He kept it up until we left. Maybe it was a sign that Phoenix wanted to play with John one last time.

Phoenix and John were the same age. They used to have a great old time running around whenever the two of them were together. He would have turned 13 on Valentine’s Day this year, and it’s so not fair…he should have been here to receive his own rose from a girl like John did last Thursday.

My heart is heavy today. Phoenix has been gone longer than he was even on this earth. I miss the cute little imp that he was, but even more I miss getting to know him as he grew. I knew and loved the child, but never got to know the person. I miss having a relationship with the young man that he now would be.

Dear Phoenix; I hope you and Papa La-la are having a great time running across those fields in heaven.

Nana La-la misses you both.