Thursday, February 28, 2008

Wryly tongue-in-cheek!

The closing on the new house was supposed to take place tomorrow, but has been postponed until the probate smoke clears. For some reason I am not even really surprised by this turn of events. Just because I’m paranoid doesn’t mean they aren’t out to get me! :)

In one of my recent musings I told about how Andy and I wanted to move out of this house, but something always prevented us from moving. Now Arthur is living in this house with me and once again something is preventing the move, at least temporarily.

A chill ran down my back when I came to this realization:

'Relax,' said the night man,
We are programmed to receive.
You can check out any time you like,
but you can never leave!

This is not a house. We are living in the Hotel California!!!

Ok, now that I have written that I have the song running through my head. So here it is!

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

A new day dawns

My note from yesterday was not really what I had envisioned. I had in my mind a wonderfully written six-year tribute, but when I sat down to write all the words fell out of my head. All that was left was the emotion.

A common thread in my life story is nothing ever can be done in a simple manner! I have spent way too much time unsnarling legal messes, generally to correct other people’s mistakes. So, in addition to this being a horrible time of the year for me, I should have known that buying a home would not be a smooth ride.

As it turns out, I have to go through probate court. There was no provision of right of survivorship on the title to my house, so I can’t use the equity until a judge looks at our will. So our closing date on the new house has been put on hold for at least a month. Hopefully the sellers will be willing to wait that long.

Yesterday was particularly difficult this year, because of the probate stuff rearing its head at just the wrong time. Going through all those legal documents with Andy's signature on them, producing the will and the death certificate and then having to call all the kids and explain everything to them. (Their signatures are required as "heirs at large.") It sent me into a tailspin.

Today I am much better. I am emotionally drained and exhausted, but I now feel ready to step into year number seven. And everybody should be happy to know that my posts won’t be nearly as depressing for awhile.

Thanks everybody!


Monday, February 25, 2008

No words today.

It has been six years today.

I don't know what else to say.

It still hurts.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Remembering Phoenix

I need to tell the story, but I’m not sure how to start. It feels like something I have never completely absorbed, because it happened during the 18 months of confusion preceding Andy’s death.

Seven years ago today Andy and I lost our little grandson, Phoenix. He was the son of Andy’s oldest daughter Frances, and we were his “Papa and Nana La-la.” (He couldn’t pronounce “Waller.” We loved it!)

“Whacha doin’ Papa La-la?”

“Nana La-la, watch me run! I be the FASTEST!”

Phoenix loved to play, and loved to run. But on that day in 2001, he ran too far. He was in the front yard with his older sister, and before she could stop him he chased his soccer ball into the road in front of an oncoming pickup.

Already overwhelmed with his own illness and in the hospital himself, Andy called me. I so wish I had been with him when he was told that Phoenix had died, but I had left for home just a half hour earlier. He could barely speak, and I was brought to my knees by the news. John and Shelby were totally devastated, and that night they slept with me, all of us in a tight cluster in the middle of my bed.

Phoenix was buried 3 days later in a pretty little rural cemetery in the little town of Roland, Oklahoma. It was about a three hour drive from here, and Andy was not well enough to leave the hospital for the funeral. I wrote down every detail so I could tell him all about it. Little did we know that Andy would be joining Phoenix in heaven a year later, almost to the day.

One strange little thing happened at the graveside. A little calico cat darted out of nowhere, and kept on rubbing all over John. He kept it up until we left. Maybe it was a sign that Phoenix wanted to play with John one last time.

Phoenix and John were the same age. They used to have a great old time running around whenever the two of them were together. He would have turned 13 on Valentine’s Day this year, and it’s so not fair…he should have been here to receive his own rose from a girl like John did last Thursday.

My heart is heavy today. Phoenix has been gone longer than he was even on this earth. I miss the cute little imp that he was, but even more I miss getting to know him as he grew. I knew and loved the child, but never got to know the person. I miss having a relationship with the young man that he now would be.

Dear Phoenix; I hope you and Papa La-la are having a great time running across those fields in heaven.

Nana La-la misses you both.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

So THIS is how I should be blogging!

Here is a "Eureka" moment! I was surfing the 'net just minding my own business, when I came across THE RULES of creating a phenomenal blog!

Rule no. 1: CREATE A BLOG!

(OK, done.)

Rule no. 2: WRITE “SEX”! You NEED to write a post that contains the word “sex” in it.

(Alrighty, after I complete this post I will have one!)

Rule no. 3: THINK BIG!

(I'm already thinking about sex. Of course I am thinking big!! ROFL)

So... it seems like my blog is about to make the bigtime! And, so you all don't think that I would keep a secret from my blogging buddies, here is a link to the page that is responsible for my impending blogging success:

How to Skyrocket your Blog

Hmmmm. Should I go the extra step of putting the word "sex" in the title of this post??

Nah... I don't think I could stand the fame... :)

Friday, February 15, 2008

A note about yesterday

In my last post I gave the reasons that Valentine's Day is not my favorite holiday. But one little thing happened yesterday to remind me of what the day is all about.

John received his first flower... from a GIRL!!!

He has been on cloud nine ever since! :)

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

broken hearts

I don’t like February.

I don’t like Valentine’s Day.

The month and the holiday remind me of loss. Eleven days after Valentine’s Day of 2002.... you know....

Arthur understands. He goes through the same feelings at Easter. So I go easy on the bunnies with him, and he goes easy on the hearts and flowers with me. At least both holidays offer the comfort of chocolate.

I figured the February fog would be gone by this year.

I figured wrong.

Monday, February 4, 2008

More about moving.

The process of purchasing a new house is throwing me into some sort of emotional tailspin. I am not sleeping well, and break down into tears about leaving my current house. I have even felt moments of panic. Is any new adventure in my life going to open up old wounds???

My kids were witness to one of these episodes the other night. I started crying, and couldn’t stop.

They were so concerned: “Momma, what’s wrong?”

Then they looked at me like I was crazy when I replied: “I’m not sure I’m ready to move.”

You see, I’m tired of living here. The kids know this. I’ve been tired of this house for a long time. It is the proverbial Money Pit. Just when something gets fixed, something else breaks. I never really even liked it all that much when Andy and I first moved in here. But it was wheelchair accessible which we needed for him, and we could afford the payments. When we looked at it for the first time I certainly did not have the “This is the one” moment that I had the other day.

Every time we tried to move something would crop up; a hospitalization, tight finances, a new baby, overtime hours at work. It became apparent that we were going to be stuck here for a long time. So, we started turning this place into a real home. I planted my gardens front and back. A friend of ours added a picket fence for us. Finally we had an extra room added and Andy signed the papers for that right from his bed during one of his many hospital stays.

I’ve been thinking perhaps the reason a move never worked out before is we were supposed to stay here. A higher power intended this to be my home with Andy, and we really did make it ours. Now Arthur and I are destined to have a new home, if everything goes through as smoothly as it seems.

But it’s more distance between my old life and my new life. It’s another goodbye.

It hurts to say goodbye.