Dear Terry, Our prayers go with you

Terry is leaving for Fort Sill, then after a short time training he is off to Iraq. He was originally called up in 2003, but he ended up coming home without leaving the state. He spent a couple months in Louisianna helping out with Hurricaine Katrina. No sooner did he get home, he had to begin preparing to deploy to Iraq.

Last night his company had a big sending-off ceremony, then a bunch of his friends and family met at Ryan's Fire Mountain for dinner.

Please keep Terry and his wife Kathy in your prayers. He will be gone for 1 year to 18 months.

An amazing day... FOUR years

I never in a million years would have thought I could say that the anniversary day of Andy's death was an amazing day.

But today truly was.

Along with the rest of my family, today I attended the wedding of my friend Pam's daughter Laura. Pam and family were very close to Andy and I. As a matter of fact, Pam was a friend who helped me make Andy's funeral arrangements, and brought me a teddy bear to hold as I picked out his casket.

At any rate, instead of sadness on this date, I felt a sense of wonder attending this wedding of somebody who was so special to Andy and I. Plus, there was a bonus.

Pammy remembered what today was. She told me she had been thinking of me all day, and that she just knew Andy was enjoying the day too... laughing at Laura's pre-wedding jitters. There were several people attending the wedding who worked with me at the hospital. They were very happy to meet Arthur, and they stated that they knew Andy was happy to see me happy. They also mentioned the incredible mark that Andy had made on everybody's life.

Wow... it made me feel so good... that people still remember. That they consider my life as a WHOLE, not just the sad part, not just the happy part. They welcome my new life, and remember my past! And Arthur felt as if he was part of the group, rather than being an outsider.

Andy is a part of me, Arthur is a part of me, and today I was able to celebrate the marriage of my friend, the memory of Andy, my love for Arthur, and the wonderful potential my future holds.

Thanks for listening as I step into year number 5...

Time to Move

My journey has just reached another crossroad. I have been really reflective the last few days, partly because of what I am about to describe, and also it is that time of year again, countdown has begun...

When Arthur and I were engaged, he moved from Detroit to a small apartment here in Oklahoma City. After much reflection and soul searching we decided for him to move into my house after our wedding. We felt that it would give us a better financial footing, and be less upheaval for Shelby and John.

We did much rearranging, painting, and blended our belongings together. Inside, this house is barely recognizable as the same house I have lived in for 20 years.

But, now the time has come to find a house that is OURS. We are on firm ground financially, and my kids now actually are welcoming the idea of a new home.

I want a new house too... I really do. We went out looking at model homes in our area, and found one that we absolutely love.

But now I am feeling myself "stuck" again. It reminds me of when I needed to let go of Andy's posessions, but this time it is magnified 100 times.

This is the house that Andy and I brought our babies home to. This house has so much of him in it... the cabinets that he finished by hand, the chair rail paneling and wood trim he put up, the appliances he installed, the colors that we chose together. Out in the side yard is the crepe myrtle bush that Andy planted with our son John when he was 5. The kids' hand prints in the back patio from 1997. And so much more...

I had my arms around Andy in the hospital bed in the dining room here as he left this life. You get the picture...

Add to that a feeling of wistfulness that, because of his death and my remarriage, I can now afford to move to a much better house than Andy had ever dreamed of.

I know his memory will go with me wherever I go. Arthur was able to leave the house he and Sue shared and he has no regrets...He understands my feelings too, because it took him 10 years to leave their home. I know that it is the right time to move, and I know that my my marriage to Arthur is important now. But this is still hard.

Shelby's first formal dance

Here is Shelby and her date Jacob. They are on the drumline together.

Shelby is trying to adjust to her first time going formal! :)

Merry Christmas to all... and to all a Good Night.

Worlds Best Christmas Cookies!!!

(Just thought I would share this recipe.)

******************


World's Best Christmas Cookies!!!!

1 1/4 cups butter, softened
1 cup powdered sugar, sifted
2 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
1/2 cup finely chopped pecans, toasted
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon ground cloves
1/4 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1 teaspoon grated lemon rind
1/4 cup seedless raspberry jam
Powdered sugar

Beat butter at medium speed with an electric mixer; gradually add 1 cup powdered sugar, beating until light and fluffy.

Combine flour and next 5 ingredients; gradually add to butter mixture, beating just until blended.

Divide dough into 2 equal portions. Cover and chill 1 hour.

Roll each portion to a 1/8-inch thickness on a lightly floured surface; cut with a 3-inch star-shaped cutter. Cut centers out of half of cookies with a 1 1/2-inch star-shaped cutter. Place all stars on lightly greased baking sheets.

Bake at 325° for 15 minutes; cool on wire racks. Spread solid cookies with jam; sprinkle remaining stars with powdered sugar. Top each solid cookie with a hollow star.



Yield: 3 dozen



********************

Getting Ready for Christmas

I love this picture! :)

We got the tree up before Jimmy had to leave to go back to Maine.

Proud Band Parents!

Arthur and I worked at all the PC football games to earn credits toward Shelby's band trips. This was taken the week after my surgery, the night of the Pirate's semi final game. I was a little sore, but felt pretty good. The popcorn kept me warm! :)

Arthur prepared the hot chocolate. We sold 25 gallons that night!!! I don't think either of us have ever seen so much hot chocolate in one place before!

My surgery is over.

Well, I am home recovering from my my thyroid surgery. Surgery was on the 4th. I was kinda scared, (OK, VERY scared!) mostly about the outcome.

Well, the bad news is: there was a tumor the size of a chicken egg, so they removed it along with half my thyroid. I start thyroid medicine tomorrow. My neck feels like somebody took a hammer to it. There is a cut from one side of my neck to the other. My kids say I look like a Frankenstein monster. (thanks, kids.)

The good news is, they are 99% certain it is benign! Final results will be in tomorrow, but they said it looks totally benign.

I am floating on a cloud of euphoria, combined with narcotics. I didn't realize how scared I was until it was all over! This was my first real surgery, and the doctors had feared cancer.

My friends and family have been wonderful to me... (the Frankenstein remark aside!) I feel so blessed today. But I had my angel on the other side with me, too.

I have an angel named Arthur who has been cooking, cleaning, and taking care of the kids for me.

The world looks so bright and beautiful today! (I suppose some of that might be because I don't have to be back at work until the day before Thanksgiving break! :)

Yayyyyy!!!!!!!!!

Just Married....Again!

Our marriage is now recognized by the Roman Catholic Church. (Although we were legally wed on 6/26/04, the sect of the Catholic Church we were married under is not recognized by Rome. We want to be in full communion with the Roman Catholic Church, so we had to do it all over again.:) I've heard friends say "I'd marry my husband all over again." Well... I really did!:) Actually, we consider today as a continuation of our original ceremony... we even used the same unity candle that we and the kids lit 6/26/2004. It still burns brightly!

Holy Cow! I think we need a new roof!!!

Actually, this is a photo taken during the new roof installation. This hole was discovered under the old shingles. No WONDER we had a big leak! Hey Pammy, you can tell Uncle Donnie that the roof he installed for us 18 years ago finally had one too many hail storms hit it! :) It was a good old roof....

Wow! Actually, there were holes similar to this all over the roof under the shingles. I never realized that roof damage occured UNDER the shingles!


Well, at least we won't be rudely awakened in the middle of a rainstorm with water pouring into the bedroom, like we were last week. Now to go argue with the insurance company. They are only paying for 75% of the shingle job, and none of the wood repair. That leaves us with a bill of over 2K. Yuck!!!

Instant friends

I was in the waiting room at my dentist when an elderly woman came out of the examining room. She chatted with the receptionist for a minute, and said something about "I am so forgetful these days."

Then, for some reason she turned toward me and gave me a sad smile. She continued, "I can't seem to remember anything or keep my head on straight." Her eyes filled with tears. "I just lost my husband 3 weeks ago, and I don't know what I am doing." I replied, "I know what you mean. I remember feeling the same way when my husband died almost four years ago."

Her eyes flew to meet mine. It was that sudden connection of two who have felt the same pain. Even though we were a generation apart, the instant bond was unmistakable. "OH!! You know how it is then!" She really teared up at this point, and asked "Please, please tell me. Does it ever get better?" This lady, a stranger, an instant friend, so much older than me was looking to ME for answers.

What could I tell her? This was not a time to talk about future joys. This was no time to discuss healing, or mention my newlywed status.

I remembered the words of a friend of mine on the young widow site, and this is what I said:

"I promise, you will not always feel the way you do now." Then I added, "You will always love him and remember him. This has been mine and other widowed friends' experience."

Then it occured to me: perhaps this was Karma coming around full circle. Our dentist herself has walked in our shoes. Dr. H. lost her husband during her last year of dental school, while her kids were in middle and high school. I remember asking HER during my early days if it ever became better! She was also Andy's dentist, and I have always considered myself close with she and her staff. I called her office the day he died. Dr. H. accepted the call herself, and gave me her personal cell number. She told me to call her anytime, even in the middle of the night, and assured me she meant it. She also sent me a copy of the book "A Grief Observed," and wrote that the book had been her best friend in the early months.

I began thinking that maybe dental offices have healing karma. That thought even makes a root canal seem more appealing!

The moment was ended by the receptionist calling my name. As I went in for my appointment my new friend turned to leave and earnestly said, "Thank you and God Bless."

Tonight she and all those who are grieving are in my prayers.

State Fair Time Again: 2005 Button

Here is John and Shelby posing for the annual button.

The sweater John is wearing is the little memory of their Dad in this year's photo.

(No, that is not me in the middle. It takes a lot more makeup than that for me to look that good! LOL)

Finally... a diagnosis

I have become so exhausted that I had to go see my doctor. She immediatly set me up for a thyroid scan and bloodwork.

I have finally been diagnosed with a thyroid tumor, 3.5 years after Andy's death, although I started having symptoms about a year before he died.

At the time, my previous doctor had diagnosed my swallowing difficulties as a nervous condition called "Globus Hystericus," aka "It's all in your head, silly girl."

So I am now having to have surgery to remove the tumor that has been "all in my head." And bless Arthur's heart, he is frightened to death. He literally broke down and cried when they called to tell me I needed to have the tumor removed and have it biopsied for cancer.

It isn't thrilling news to me, but right now I am more concerned about my sweet Arthur. Enough already. We have both been through enough!

New Orleans photos from Kathy and Terry

Terry's unit has been called up to New Orleans to help the victims of Hurricaine Kartina. In Kathy's words:

"...Terry is down in New Orleans loading people on buses at the Super Dome. The people have been completely evacuated now, so the Dome is empty. Contrary to reports that the people there are running wild in the streets, he says that they have been pleasant, polite, orderly and very happy to see the National Guard.

He has been In New Orleans since Wednesday night and at the Super Dome since Thursday morning. They just got Port-a-potties for the soldiers today! So you can imagine what the Super Dome is like. Terry says the smell is so bad, you can barely get close to it let alone go inside! He says they (the Guard) are camped out on the top floor of the Super Dome parking structure. He is not sure how tall the structure is, but judging by the surrounding buildings, he estimates it to be 5 or 6 stories tall. He says that if you walk down two flights you are in the water! "

Kathy emailed me these photos that Terry took with his camera phone:





Oklahoma National Guard at the Super Dome




Convention Center after evacuation





Mess at the Mall behind the Super Dome





Somebody's doggie is looking for his owner.





Water level at the parking garage:over 2 stories high


Working in new Orleans is risky business as you can see...

(Last photo: not real, although I'll bet the National Guard guys feel like this at the end of the day. Kathy 'fessed up that the last photo was not taken there, she just thought that we needed a lighter note after all the tragedy. The rest of the photos are really from New Orleans.)

Another Step

This is an essay that I wrote for the Chapter Two website. I posted some of the essay on our personal family site on Sept. 16th, in honor of the passing of the date of mine and Andy's wedding anniversary. Here is the essay in its entirety.

Love, Stephanie

***
June 26, 2004

“You dried my tears, and brought me joy that I never thought I would find again. Stephanie, I know that Andy will forever be in your heart, and I will honor that always. Today as we begin our new lives together as husband and wife, I give you the same promise that you kept with him: ‘Until death do us part.’ You are the friend of my youth, and I love you.”

“You dried my tears, and brought me joy that I never thought I would find again. Arthur, I know that Sue will forever be in your heart, and I will honor that always. Today as we begin our new lives together as husband and wife, I give you the same promise that you kept with her: ‘Until death do us part.’ You are the friend of my youth, and I love you.”
***


On the road to healing, I have coined my own personal phrase: "Life is linear." It only moves forward. And, at times, I am glad it is that way.

Don't get me wrong; I loved Andy with every fiber in my being. I never wanted him out of my life. I felt like I was dying myself as he slipped away. But things have changed so very much since he has been gone.

Think of this: how could I begin to go backward at this point? Arthur is now as important to the “present” of my life as Andy was to the “past.” Our relationship has it’s own life and breath… I now love Arthur with an indescribable love that feels completely different than the indescribable love I shared with Andy. I do glance in the rear view mirror at times, however, because where I have been is part of where I am today, and I need to remember that.

My current marriage has brought me so much joy. At the same time, it has absolutely nothing to do with my grief process. I still have moments when I get slammed by a huge wave from the past, and the pain will literally suck the breath out of me. Therefore, I now keep an eye on the ocean, because I have learned how hard it can strike just when I think the storm is finally over.

At times I will find myself “stuck.” When that happens, I feel like I am wearing concrete boots, and just can’t move. But, somehow when I can't seem to get going, some invisible power seems to reach out and help me get started again.

One example of a personal “moving forward” dilemma was what to do about my answering voice mail message. Andy died in early 2002, and I could not bear the thought of deleting his voice. It seemed like deleting another part of HIM!

My decision ended up simply being to make no decision. So, Andy's patient drawl continued to greet my callers through 2002, 2003...

Then I became engaged to Arthur. Still, Andy continued to take my messages.

"Yo, this is Andy. We can't come to the phone right now..."

Arthur completely understood my feelings. He told me to keep Andy's voice as long as I wanted. So came 2004... I married Arthur in June, and to everybody's surprise Andy's voice continued to answer my calls.

Enter 2005... and Andy was tirelessly still being my secretary.

But, suddenly it just didn't feel right any more. I did not feel disloyal to Arthur, but I felt like it was disrespectful to Andy in a weird way. It became time to let him rest.

The decision to change the message was made easier by the fact a competing company was offering a "bundle" plan where I could get my phone, internet and cable TV all on one bill for less money. By switching, I had to give up my voice mail and the message with it.

March 18, 2005 was the last day Andy answered my calls. I was sad, but it was time.

It is now my own voice that answers when we are unavailable.

My son Jimmy managed to save Andy's message and convert it to a computer file, so if I ever need to I can still hear it.

It is just another step into my Chapter Two.

Arthur and Kids on our trip to Michigan

This was taken on Mackinaw Island, which is located between the lower and upper peninsula of Michigan. It is a beautiful place where time has stood still since the early 1900's. If anybody ever saw the movie "Somewhere in Time," this is where it was filmed.

We all rode bikes around the island. There are no cars there. You either have to ride bikes, take a carriage ride, ride horses, or walk.

Shelby went horseback riding for awhile, and Arthur, John and I had "cocktails" in a restaurant in the Grand Hotel!

Photos: The Flying Thunderbirds

Yesterday we went to the Independence Day celebration at Tinker Airforce Base. I managed to catch this picture of the Flying Thunderbirds as they came over. Not bad for an amature photographer, eh? :)
This time I got all six of them!! :)

I got my Sign!!!

(Excerpt from a post on the YWBB. This is part two. See previous post for part one.)

My sign is related to an OLD dream of mine, from back in '03. Here is my post about it from then:

Click here: My Dream

Today while I was on my way to the park to have my time of reflection, I passed... you guessed it... a yellow and white 57 Chevy. I don't remember ever seeing one around here before!!!!

My interpretation?

One day I WILL get that ride. I don't need to worry any longer that Andy has rejected me. But for now, I will live, and enjoy life in the PRESENT. My present is to be the best mom, and the best wife to Arthur that I can be.

I am returning to my "Sane Stella" personality now.

Thanks for putting up with "Crazy Stella!"

Love,
Sane Stella


(Stella being my pen name on the young widow board.)

Terrible dream is eating at me

(excerpt from a post on the ywbb)


It already has been 3 days since I had this dream. I have had bad dreams before, but usually they fade away rapidly. But, this one is hanging on... and I don't know what to do or what to think!!!

The dream went like this: I found myself with Andy, don't know how, and for some reason I wasn't surprised to see him. But, he was acting very distant. Finally I asked him, "Is there someone new?" He looked remorseful, and said, "Yes. Curiosity got the best of me." It wasn't so much that admission that bothered me, (after all, I am remarried) but then he turned away and I ran after him screaming his name, and he just kept going...

I have heard that those who are "crossing over" will come back in a dream to say goodbye. I could handle that, if he had to go... but couldn't the dream be nicer??? I keep feeling crazy... but since the dream I haven't "felt" his presence, no signs in months... why am I letting a dream get to me so much???

Thank goodness Arthur is so understanding with me, I would probably have kicked myself to the curb by now!

Several of my young widow friends have suggested possibilities for the dream... Perhaps it is my upcoming first anniversary to Arthur; (I counted anniversaries for 17 years with Andy, and maybe I feel like it was I who abandoned him?) Maybe I am trying to work through other unresolved conflicts. I have pondered each suggestion, and they all make sense. I do know in my heart that he would never leave me like that. He fought too hard to stay with us.

Another thing I thought of... this is the beginning of Summer here. Season changes have always been the hardest thing for me, even worse than anniversaries. Shelby just had her dance recital, always a "BIG EVENT" for us. I just ended work for the school year. The weather, the trees, everything drags me back in time...

Well, in a few minutes I am leaving to take the kids to "our park." This park is like a time capsule for us... it has not changed at all in 20 years except for the trees getting a bit bigger. After I spend a day of reflection there, I usually feel more grounded.

More later.

Grandma's Birthday Bash

Happy Birthday Grandma R!!!

Grandma's birthday is actually on June 1st, but we celebrated it today. We had a cookout and played cards.

Some of Grandma's family


Wow!! She can still blow out the candles!

Many Happy Returns! :)

Terry had a VERY bad day at work!

Thankfully he was not badly hurt!!

For those who don't know him, Terry is my best friend Kathy's husband, AKA "The Cable Guy!"

Here is the story in Kathy's words.

A careless driver came onto the highway and cut across to the left lane where Terry was driving. The other driver was going at a very slow rate of speed, and this is what happened when Terry swerved to avoid hitting them. Of course the other driver just left apparently oblivious to what had happened. Nobody stopped to help him, but two OKC police officers witnessed it, ( it wasn't their jurisdiction, because the wreck happened in Moore) and came and helped him out of the van.

In reality, I think that the State of Oklahoma is partly to blame for this wreck. This is the only state I have ever driven in where there is a "YIELD" sign at the end of the on ramp, instead of a "MERGE" sign. The whole point of the on ramp seems to be lost on the OK department of transportation. The ramp is there so that drivers entering the freeway can accelerate to match the speed of the traffic on the freeway and "MERGE" smoothly into the flow of traffic. The "YIELD" sign causes people to slow to a near stop and then move slowly (and dangerously) into the fast moving traffic on the freeway. Maybe we should start a letter writing campaign to our legislators.

Thank God for seat belts. Terry has a little bump on his head, some scrapes to his elbow and knee, and some mild whiplash. Otherwise he is OK. He will probably feel like he rolled over in a van in the morning. His cell phone was killed.

I love you...

I love you.

You are good to me.

I enjoy the person that you are.

You give me new reason to enjoy each day.

You are my listening ear, and my shoulder to cry on.

You understand my humor, and laugh with me!!!!

Because of you, I am finding ME again! :)

As we work together, we gain strength.

You are my light in a dark world.

You are my sweet friend.

I love you.

Arthur's Birthday Present

There was an air show in town this weekend. What better present for Plane Nut Arthur than a ride on a vintage WWII 2 engine airplane? Happy 58th Birthday Arthur!

Arthur was allowed to sit in the co pilot's seat... he even got to wear the headphones! (Not pictured unfortunately.)Taken from outside the plane.



This is the plane!Some pretty scenery... shows some of the houses in the neighborhoods by our house.



John Henry went, too. I think he liked it!! :) Shelby and I stayed safely on the ground, thank you very much.After their flight we all had lunch at the Runway Cafe. The burgers were great! I think Arthur had a great time.

OH NO!!! My BIG 5-OH!

OK, now I get to start counting backward!