Happy 13th Birthday Shelby Lou!

Meltdown

A new experience...

I had a major meltdown Christmas Night. I recognized the old familiar feeling of a huge grief wave, yet it was not a typical grief moment for me.

This time I was grieving not only my loss of Andy, but the changing of my entire past. He was included, but I was also crying for the babies who are no longer babies. Mommy, Daddy and babies. You know, the old Kodak moments? Where they are crawling around in the wrapping paper, you have to move fast to keep them from putting ribbon in their mouths, and they give you a sloppy baby kiss as a reward...

I was so longing to go back to visit that part of my life again, and knowing that I never can again hurts SO much, even though I an very happy in my present, and very proud of my grown and half-grown kids.

Then I moved on to other thoughts. I found myself sobbing missing my grandparents and their little pink Christmas tree with the feather birds. My other grandparents who's car seemed to magically hold more gifts than there was room for. And, my dad who has been gone for 24 years... who was the music man, playing the piano for our carols, singing the bass line in our family quartet...

But, after my two hour cry, I am better now.

It's just that the older I get, the more losses there are to cry about....

Whirlwind Trip to Detroit and Arthur's Move!!!

What a wild ride! Arthur flew to Oklahoma for Thanksgiving.

Friday we flew to Detroit together for the 30th High School class reunion, which was held Saturday night.

Sunday we loaded the U-Haul with whatever belongings he hadn't sold or given away. Later that evening we celebrated our engagement with Arthur's family.

We left for Oklahoma City early Monday morning, and arrived Tuesday evening.

WHEW!!!





The end... and the beginning...!

I could have missed the pain...

I had an interesting thought this morning.

I have been wondering since Andy died if I would go through the pain again, if I knew how it would end. Was our love worth it? Could I open my heart, knowing how it would be crushed into pieces?

I believe I have learned the answer. By opening my heart to love again, this proves that I am willing to endure the agony of loss. After all, now I honestly know how I can be ripped apart. I have lived the true meaning of "until death do us part." Love truly is worth the pain.

Therefore, my love for Arthur is a testimony of the strenghth of my love for Andy. That knowlege gives me peace.

I still cried for Andy yesterday. That is another testimony. Love is forever.

"...And I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end,
The way it all would go...
Our lives are better left to chance.
I could have missed the pain,
But I'd of had to miss the dance."

(Thanks to Garth Brooks for putting my feelings to words.)

Arthur's retirement reception!

Big changes coming in 8 days!

The latest news is Arthur is officially retiring from the State of Michigan next week. His last day at work is November 20th. The entire court is having a big party on Wednesday in honor of his 33 years of service. Then on Friday he is flying here to reside in Oklahoma City permanently!

He has rented an apartment about 2 miles from me. Although I have known him so long I could marry him tomorrow, my two youngest kids need to get to know him better. They have already been through lots of changes, so we are going to do this slowly but surely.

Big changes, but I have never been more sure of anything in my life.

A couple of emails

I have a file folder two inches thick with emails. I have spent hours every day on the phone. I have been living on 2 hours of sleep a night and LOVING it!!!

Soon there will be no need for emails.

" Hi Sweet Arthur!

I promise to get in touch with those apartment people today. As soon as they receive your cashier's check I can pick up the key.

This dream of ours is rapidly becoming a reality! Can you believe this??? We saw each other for the first time in 9 years at the end of July. You are moving here permanently at the end of this month. 4 months is all it took us. All the cards fell right. This is meant to be!!

I love you muchly!!!

:)

Stephanie "

" My dearest friend,
I am thinking of us and our future marriage. The past is gone and I hope I have learned from it. You are the focus of my lifes dreams, hopes and aspirations. At the same time we are individuals with our own needs and desires. If we put those thoughts together in our marriage who can defeat us? My life will never be the same again. I want it to be that way.

We are to be a new entity; we are not to be the same as we were 30 years ago. We have grown and become better people. We have children and grandchildren to help and guide now. You and I have changed over the years but my belief is we are better suited for each other now than 30 years ago.

I will love you until the earth is dust and the stars go dim.
Arthur "

The four of us

OK, now that I have given the good news to everybody, I want to share a special photo. This is Andy, me, Arthur and Sue at our 20th High School reunion.

Bittersweet memories. Only the two friends in the center remain...

Arthur and I are Officially Engaged

I had a wonderful time over Fall Break. Arthur flew in from Detroit on October 15th. He had already proposed to me by telephone, but as soon as we arrived at my house he made it official. He hit his knees and presented me with a beautiful diamond solitaire. I was so emotionally overwhelmed that I couldn't stand up, and ended up on my own knees shaking like a leaf. I then gave him star saphire men's ring. He was completely surprised... and very pleased.

That evening I showed him around town, and took him to the OKC National Memorial. It is so beautiful there after dark. While we were out he called his mother and said, "Hi Mom, I'm home!!!" I guess Arthur already likes it here.

Thursday night he and I took my entire family out to dinner in honor of our engagement. It sure makes it nice that everybody already knows each other well.

Friday we put a downpayment on the wedding chapel. We will be getting married at the Y-Chapel of Song on the University of Central Oklahoma campus. Our wedding is officially set for June 26, 2004.

The time went by too fast. He had to fly back Sunday in order to to return to work on Monday. His official retirement date is not until November 21. I hated to see him get back on that plane.

I sent Arthur an email stating that I was already missing him, and that I should have tied him up and kept him here! I shouldn't have let him go back to Detroit after his visit. His reply made me laugh:

" Angel Heart of mine;

If I had stayed after fall break, I'd be fired or suspended for not coming back. (I couldn't retire.) I would most likely lose everything. I would have no car, no furniture, no money, no place to stay. Very few shirts, jeans, underwear, socks, one pair of shoes. My pension might reach me sometime in January, IF I still get it.

But on the other hand I'd have you! And the ring is paid for.

I love you,
Arthur "

Grief and Hope

These are posts by Arthur and I from the Young Widow Bulletin Board. I have been a member since July, '02, and then I introduced Arthur to the BB when I was in Detroit on vacation. The following stories tell about our personal journeys of grief, finding hope, then discovering a treasure in our decades long friendship.

Sept. 16, 2003

A while ago I heard of the website YoungWidow.com. As I went through various topics it dawned on me "I am not alone". There are other people besides me who have endured a loss and somehow continued on. This is my story.

Sue (Suzanne, AKA Sunshine) and I were introduced at square dancing. A friend of
ours had fixed us up. Well needless to say, we became friends, fell in love and married. During 16 happy years of marriage we had 4 boys, including a set of twins. (I am a twin too!)

One Friday night, Sue and I were at home with only one of our sons. He came downstairs where Sue had been sewing, and I was keeping her company. He suggested that we go out somewhere. We thought it was a good idea so we went out for some ice cream. We talked about everything including my plans to bake a black forest torte for Mother's day. She went to sleep in my arms that night.

Saturday morning Sue woke me up for a kiss goodbye. She left to help take of our choir director's elderly mother. Twice a call awakened me to ask, "Where's Sue?" Both times I told her, "She's on her way." After a third phone call, I got dressed and went to see what could be wrong. About 2 minutes later I got off the freeway because it was jammed up. As I drove on the service drive I spotted our bright green car on the freeway's shoulder. Parking the van, I hopped the fence and went up to the car.

There was a man sweeping glass up who didn't even look at me. When I reached the newly red side of the green car, I realized why. All I could say was "Now what do I do with 4 boys?" As I was walking past the State Troopers, one of them called to me asking me to come back to talk with him. My first question was What happened? After checking my ID he replied "Your wife passed away in a single car rollover accident."

I was too numb to think. I went to leave but he stopped me and asked me "Can I drive you somewhere?" He brought me to our friend's house. She answered the door. I said "Sue's gone" Stunned she asked the trooper what happened. He just nodded. When I went in, her husband asked the same question. All I could say was She's gone. In a daze he drove me to my house where I broke the news to our sons about what had happened.

The day Sue died a good friend wrote a poem about her and another set it to music. The poem was called, "You Lived your Life for Me." At the memorial service we heard these words:

Its time to come and be with me
She heard the voice reply
No more pain and suffering
So bid this world goodbye

The only sound you heard was the sound of tears.

I only wish this forum had been here years ago. I have needed to tell this story for so long. Thanks for listening.

October 1, 2003

And now for the rest of my story.
After Sue died I kept in touch with Stella. (Stephanie) I have known her for 32 years. We had dated for 18 months before she introduced me to my wife. During
that time we went many places, and had lots of good, innocent fun. We were the best of friends. Many times after Sue died I called and cried on her shoulder. As time went by we kept in touch with Christmas cards and sporadic phone calls. Then in June of this year she called and told me that she and her children were coming to Detroit.
Her daughter was competing in the AAU Junior Olympics and could I guide them around the Detroit area while she was here. She had also lost her Sunshine a while ago.

When we met, it was as if we were talking to someone we had seen just yesterday not 9 years ago at her brother's wedding.

At the motel's pool we watched the kids and talked. Then she said to me "Arthur, if you lived near me I could see us having a relationship." No reply from me. She asked, "what's wrong?" I said "I can't see." She said "what?" I repeated, "I can't see." Her words had gone to the depths of my soul. She had invited me into her heart. I had never thought I would hear those words again. Yes I was crying but those were tears of joy.

That Saturday I came over to take her out to dinner. As we walked out the door she quipped "I'm going on a date." To which her daughter replied, "What do you mean a date?" She replied "You know, dinner and adult conversation." As we walked to my van she reached for my arm. My reply was to take her hand in mine. After dinner we talked as good friends do and then I kissed her goodnight.

The next day we all went on a trip to Port Huron. On the way home we took a wrong turn. But it really wasn't a wrong turn, because miles later we were driving back in the rain when the sun came out. There in front of us was the biggest rainbow I had ever seen. A few minutes later it hit me, If a rainbow comes after the rain, could love come again after tears of sorrow?

So "Stella," I thank you, I love you.

Arthur


************************************

It was the end of February 2002 that Andy left me. One day his spirit was here, the next day
he was gone.
During those last days and the first days after, there was such a noise in my head, a continuous hum. I thought it was, perhaps, all the people surrounding me. I was never alone. I was grateful for the companionship. I did not want to be alone. At the same time, I also wished everybody would just shut up, and leave. Such is the way with grief.

Finally, the day came when everybody had to return to their routines. Quietly, gently, they bid their goodbyes, and left us here. There soon was nobody left except for the kids and me. Now came the time to face things. It was time to fully experience the pain.

It was the beginning of spring here in Oklahoma. We had already had some days in the 70's, and then we were walloped by a massive cold front that plunged into the teens the day Andy died. The days following the funeral were moderate, with a mixture of gray and sunshine, as common in the spring. I remember standing in my yard, listening while the wind blew its way through my wind chimes. The world was strangely silent, other than the sound of those chimes, and the hum that still echoed through my head ... lessening, but still there.

I had only two states of mind ... numb, and then prostrate with grief. Any little stimulant to any sense could trigger the prostration. A bird call, the smell of the freshly thawing earth, a scant ray of sunshine warming my skin. All the things that had brought me joy in a past life. All those little things continued nagging at me that my life with Andy was over, never to return. It was as though they had been sent to laugh at me me in my weakest moment.

I would desperately look for reminders that he really once existed. Photos, notes, any little shred of him. Then, when I would find them, I would find myself clutching my heart, and weeping because there was nothing left of him except two-dimensional items. "All that is left of you is PAPER! My God, Honey, where are you? Where are you?? Can you hear me? Do you love me? Where did you go?" I was pleading with the world in general to please help me find him! I knew he was gone, but bring him back anyway!

As days went by, the hum gradually disappeared. I found myself almost missing it, for it had began when Andy was still here. Any connection was better than none! I began to notice new sounds. Our neighbors had bought some tacky, but cute, plastic flamingos with wings that would whir in the wind. I would notice their sound, and realize that if I was hearing it, that meant I was still alive. I started hearing the voices of the neighborhood kids at play. How long had it been since I had allowed myself to even observe the pleasure of others?

I found myself laughing at something the kids said. Guilt would follow, but soon I would catch myself laughing again! Lightening didn't strike me for that, either. For the first time in ages I noticed the blue sky. I noticed the summer heat, the scent of rain. No, I was not what one could describe as happy, yet I knew I wanted to live again.

Another year passed. The pain was still there, but it had become simply another part of me. Instead of attempting to chase the sadness away, I now hold it close. My grief will remain forever to remind me that love is forever. Life became a gift to me again.

On a lark, I bought some tacky, but cute, plastic flamingos with whirring wings ... to remind me of the days of returning hope.


Then one day, I saw a rainbow. And, my life began again.

Guess what came in the mail today?

Arthur sent me his 30 year pin! He sent it along with the notice that his request for retirement was reviewed and accepted!!! He has decided, to my delight, that he is NOT going to wait until May!!! His official date of retirement is December 1, but he has some vacation time left, so his last day of work will be November 20th.

A letter to Arthur

Well, my dear,

The battery on your phone gave out. (Usual story, although we had much more time tonight!) I went to bed, and fell immediately into a sound, dreamless sleep. Then, ten minutes ago I woke up, and now I am wide awake. 2:55 AM my time!

I had a brief thought of calling you just to say "I love you," but I figure you are so sound asleep you would not even hear the phone. So, I refrained from doing that. I know I will speak to you tomorrow!

Now, about the facets I was beginning to tell you about.....

I was afraid that you would focus on only one facet of our relationship. I am sure there is at least one thing that we will not agree on. However, in order to give us a chance, we can't focus on one negative area unless it is a BIG one. I only have a few things that are negative enough to me that would stop a relationship in it's tracks. They are things like cheating, illegal drug abuse, physical abuse towards me or my kids, lying to me, stealing or other illegal activities. I have known you for over 30 years, and I don't think you would do any of those.

So many things to consider! Who am I, really? Who are you, really? I think we already know the answer to that. We are two people with similar values who love each other. But, what are we hoping to achieve if we get married? Here are the "facets" that immediately come to my mind.

1. Love and tenderness
2. Friendship and companionship
3. Teamwork and respect
4. Parenting
5. Protection
6. Religion/worship (I know, that should be first, but I just thought of it.)
7. A home together
8. Financial security
9. Activities together
10. Intimacy

I know there are probably many more, but those came to my mind first.
Now, I will explain how I see us fitting into each of these areas, and I hope that you can picture me in your life in these areas.

Love and tenderness: We already have that. I want you here so that I can express those to you on a daily basis, not only by word, but by look, and touch.

Friendship and companionship: go hand in hand. When you are friends with somebody, you want to be with them. I can be happy going places with you, dancing with you, dining with you. I can be equally happy being at home with you, sitting around in our PJ's listening to the radio.

Teamwork and respect: also go hand in hand. When you respect your partner, you can understand the art of Give and Take. A couple that is a good team works for what is best for the family. A good team also realizes that sometimes an individual needs more attention. Ultimately, they work together to achieve joint goals, and help each other achieve individual goals.

Parenting: As I said while we were talking: if I were to choose a new mate purely on what kind of a co-parent he would be, you would still be number one on my list. A parent must set ground rules in order to keep kids safe from their own immature actions. A parent must also love and respect the kids. I know that you do both, because I watched you with your own kids. I have done the stepparent thing once already, and I know the work can be hard, but the rewards are tremendous. Perhaps the hardest thing in parenting is when the kids are ready to leave home. It is so hard to let them go, and then not bale them out the first time they come crying. Although I would never let any of my kids starve, I have never let them use me, either.

Protection: Not only in the sense of being kept safe, but also being each other's advocate. Everybody needs somebody to defend him or her against the world ... even when they may be the one who is wrong.

Religion: This won't be too difficult, as we are both believers. We can discuss which denomination to attend. The important thing is that we go as a family.

A home together: We are starting to hammer down some things on this subject. I know you are right ... we need a new place that is ours. As I said, I also have fears. I have never sold a house before, and my credit isn't the slickest in the West. (not horrible, but not great.) How about yours? We may have no choice but to start out here. A home equity loan to do a large remodel is much easier to qualify for than a new mortgage. But I am open on this one. I am not taking a hard line.

Financial security: That is my specialty. No brag, just fact. I am a wise investor. I am also honest. I will help you as well as myself. Plus, as I said, there is more to financial contribution than bringing home a paycheck. There is a multitude of ways to help each other. From packing lunches (healthier, anyway) to taking turns cooking. (Much cheaper than eating out.) With two people it is much easier to scout out bargains. With two people it is easier to take care of a home without outside help. (Lawn, etc.)

Activities together: Anything that we care to do. As long as we do them TOGETHER. As in both of us.

Intimacy: Goes along naturally with a loving relationship. I am not talking merely about sex. I am talking about kissing, caressing, holding, and emotional intimacy. I am ready for that on a regular basis, E tu?

That is my long letter for today. Now, love, what are your ideas? Can you think of other areas?

With all my love at 3:02 AM CDT

Stephanie :)


P.S. This is hard work

State Fair Time again!

Can you believe it is that time of year again? Here is our 17th button in the series. This year, we were honored to have Jimmy with us again. And, if you notice, a token of Andy is in this photo... (hint: Jimmy is holding it.)

The Gang!

(We missed having Tiffanie in the photo, but maybe we will get her at Thanksgiving!)
Me, Shelby, Marilyn, Doug, Jimmy, John, Mom, and Victoria
(of course Clarence Andrew is forever with us in spirit.)

Update....

I think I am now smack in the middle of something really big. Art is eligible to take his retirement from the State of Michigan. As of right now, he is planning on taking it, and moving to Oklahoma City in May.

And, the wonderful thing is, that is exactly what I want him to do!

If anybody had tried to tell me that I would find myself head-over-heels about Arthur (my good buddy of so many years) I would have laughed and asked if I could have some of whatever they were smoking!!!

Back to work... in love! :)

Darn.

I didn't want to go back to work. I want the summer to continue on in leisure so I can just float around on this cloud and think of his beautiful eyes.

But back to work I went. My first day back was a real trip! I was in meetings and inservices all day with the rest of the school nurses. The first one to see me was Jean.

She looked at me and said, "Stephanie! You look great! What did you do to yourself, girl?"

I said, in a dreamy way, "Oh Jean, I'm in LOVE!"

Well, that was met with a bunch of squeals and requests for "Details! Details!"

There were four people per group, and I was dragged/passed from group to group by all these crazy, happy nurses so I could tell my story! Even though I am telling the same story over and over again, I never get tired of it. And I love these folks, this is the same bunch who held me up with their love and caring when Andy died.

I guess it was an eventful, romantic summer for several of us there. There are engagements, new boyfriends, and one other nurse had a story similar to mine, except she has "only" known her guy for 27 years!

Crazy in love

I am trying to be mature and dignified about this.

It is so difficult for me though, when my heart is singing like a teenagers! I am having a hard time keeping my own secret. It is such a delicious secret. I want the whole world to know! I want to shout from the rooftop!

" I love a man! His name is Arthur

...MY Arthur!

And he loves me too!!! "

Even his name is beautiful to me. I catch myself saying it out loud, just to hear it. I speak of him to anybody who will listen, just so I can again hear the word 'Arthur.' I write his name out, because I want to savor the beauty of it in written form.

Mature? Dignified? No. Crazy in love? YES!

Will anyone understand? Maybe not... but this isn't for others to understand. I believe that those who love us will be celebrating with us, and the rest simply don't matter.

What an adventure this is for both of us! I'm having a hard time believing this is real.

Lights are back on, All's Well!

Back to counting the minutes between emails...!

Beautiful Insomnia....Saturday Morning (moaning?)

(groan)

It's me again.

Arthur was finally able to get through around midnight. This is becoming insane! :) I went to bed at 3:00 AM after talking with him half the night, and now it is 7:00 AM here. I'm wide awake and needing to write.

Reminder to myself: Self, you are getting too old for this...!

Well, I'm mature enough to realize that this stage doesn't last forever.

And old enough to say: "Thank God that it doesn't!"

This IS insane! And wonderful! All I can think about is HIM. His beautiful eyes. His shy smile. EVERYTHING!

They still haven't figured out what caused that big power outage, but I think I know. It was the voltage from our phone calls and emails! If we keep this up, in addition to Detroit, Oklahoma City will also be in the dark!

Major Blackout up North

There is a blackout going on up North... perhaps the largest one in North American history. It started yesterday, and much of lower Canada and the Eastern US seaboard is affected. Plus Ohio and Michigan. So, along with 50 million other people, Arthur has been in the dark since yesterday.

He called last night while I was at bowling, and left a message that he is doing OK. However, I haven't heard from him since. Whenever I try to call I get the same old "All circuits are busy" recording.

I have been reading every scrap of news out of Detroit. They say all State offices are closed, so Arthur isn't working today.

All this turmoil, uncertainty and waiting is starting to get to me. And, I feel like a drug addict, sitting here waiting for my "fix!" I have become so accustomed the past week or so to hearing from Arthur several times a day. I think withdrawal symptoms are starting!

Finally! Jr. Olympic Photos!

I did not take still photos, but Rosemarie was nice enough to share hers. These pics were taken July 28. This is the team competing to "All that Jazz."




The traveling team, Encore Twirlers of Oklahoma City: Angela, Shelby, Kendy and Beverly.



It's always best to not take yourself too seriously! Good going girls! :)

Fish or Frog?

I don't know what to do with these feelings! I am exhilarated, confused... crazy.

The past few days I have spent a good many hours discussing this situation with Kathy. After all, she has known Arthur for as long as I have.

She keeps telling me: "If you feel he is a keeper, then KEEP him! There are no more fish in the sea. THEY'RE ALL FROGS!!!"

I say: "I'm afraid to put my heart on the line. What if he backs off, and I get my heart broken?"

She says: "Knowing Arthur he is more likely to ask you to MARRY him than back off! I think you guys have always been a little bit crazy about each other!"

But, I say to her "We're talking about ARTHUR here! Our goofy, sweet, hyperactive FRIEND. Have I lost my mind???"

She says: "I don't see any down side to this. You know him, he knows you, you both have always got along."

"But! But! But!!! But..... Isn't this awful fast?? Slap me!"

She just laughs at me.

Some help SHE is!

Well, he has booked a flight to come here for a few days over Fall Break. So, it looks like he might be feeling the same way I am.

I AM crazy! I want to experience life... with Arthur! I want to go square dancing again! I want to teach him to two-step. I want to drive from one end of Rt. 66 to the other with him!

I want to take him to Frontier City and ride the Wildcat! I want to try every ethnic resturant in town. I want us to go to Eskimo Joes and eat cheese fries!!! (OK, I guess I'll draw the line at jumping out of airplanes and mountain climbing.)


Arthur? Could I love Arthur???

An age old friendship

It is amazing to me how POSITIVELY the brief time I spent with Arthur has affected me! During the past 18 months I felt myself age tremendously. I don't really look much different, but I was feeling unattractive, slow and OLD.

It isn't the "romance" thing, as much as spending time with an old friend has reminded me of the person I used to be. I am remembering the Stephanie of the days before I even thought of being anybody's wife. I am now determined to get back to being myself, active, fun-loving and decent-looking.

I've started remembering Arthur from so long ago. I adored him back then, but I was too young and inexperienced to know what to do with those feelings. Eventually we went on to more serious relationships with other people and drifted apart, although we remained friends for all these years.

Here is a photo of us together then. This was taken in May of '72. We think it may be the only picture with both of us together when we were dating, although we have quite a few that we took of each other.

He was so good and kind to me, and we had so much fun back then! We never argued with each other about anything. He used to take me for long rides, first in his green 1971 Pinto, later in his '74 Hornet. One year he bought me a huge Easter basket from Hudson's. I wore his class ring for a little while, but as a "friedship" ring. I saw 'Gone with the Wind' my very first time with him. He was the only guy I knew that smelled great with "British Sterling" cologne!

I remember listening to his McIntosh (not Macintosh, different company) stereo and how he would explain the different types of stereo equipment. Arthur is the person who introduced me to the music of 'The Moody Blues.' We also both happened to be into classical music. When he moved into his first apartment I helped move his stuff, and helped him decorate it. (No, nothing happened between us! He and Sue were already an item.)

We originally met at square dancing. We used to dance with a group called the "Teen Wheelers." I was a newbie at the time, and he was in the advanced group known as "Angels." Although a much better dancer than I, he put up with me until I learned how! I remember how he would ask me to dance, hand behind his back, throwing a teasing smile over his shoulder.

I remember the terrible night his brother Kenny died in a freak accident. I remember him coming over to my house and singing with me, my dad and my brother.

We definitely had a past. Do we have a future???

Romance?? Me??????

I guess I should tell everybody about a rather fun developement that occured during our trip up north.

I had the opportunity to have a date with someone that I used to date in high school. Anybody remember Arthur? I dated him back in 1972! If you don't remember, here is some background.

This is a very interesting situation: I introduced him to his wife back in 1972. Sue was one of my very best friends. They were married in 1977, had 4 boys (Dominic, Greg, Matt and Danny) and a happy marriage. Both of our families were close. Sue even made Marilyn (my sis-in-law's) wedding gown. Two weeks after she delivered the gown, Sue was killed in a car accident. That was 9 years ago, and Art is still single.

We have always been friends, and I never have thought of him as anything but. However, when we had dinner, it became obvious to both of us that something was in the air. We ended the evening with an honest, heartfelt kiss.

Now, he lives a thousand miles away, so I really don't expect anything to come from this, but it made me feel wonderful. I guess I'm ready to think about dating?

It's ironic, because Kathy and I were talking about maybe going to a couple clubs when I returned from vacation. I have been getting weary of only having kids to talk with every evening. I mean, I love my kids... but....! Dinner and a movie would be a nice thing once in awhile!

But in the meantime I have been receiving some pretty sweet emails from up north! This is so much fun! It seems like forever ago that I felt alive like this.

Here's to Romance!!!

Photos from our trip to the Detroit Zoo

Welcome to the Detroit Zoo!



John and Beverly are having fun



Kids in front of the penguin house



A brief rest stop...



...then off we go again!



Playing with a brass elephant



Hey! Who is that ugly kid in back?



John Henry poses in front of a retired train engine



Here comes the Detroit Zoo train to take us for a ride!



Goodbye, all! We have had fun!

Back from the Jr. Olympics

I am going to post this today so that everybody knows we made it back from Detroit safe and sound. The twirling competition was lots of fun! The girls did not make the finals. :(

But they had fun, tried their best, and ended up scoring in the middle, for which we are proud of them all! :)

We had a wonderful time visiting with many old friends that I grew up with...and had a nice surprise when one of those friends presented me with photos that he had taken when Andy and I were up there for our honeymoon!!! I had never seen them before! I will be scanning those and putting them on here in memory of our anniversary. Plus, watch for some photos from our vacation!

Love y'all!!!!

Encore Twirlers

The Encore Twirlers of Oklahoma City are leaving July 25th for Detroit to compete in the Jr. Olympics. We are very excited! Even if the team doesn't place, it is exciting that they made it in!

Competing: Angela, Beverly, Kendy, and Shelby.

GOOD LUCK, GIRLS!

True Friends

I have found that there are some people who really mean it when they say: "Let us know if you need anything."

Bruce and Patty, our neighbors across the street, are that way. They have done everything for me from babysitting, to yard work, to home repairs. They bring over food. He has done woodworking for years, and has helped my son build birdhouses and etc. No charge, of course.

The amazing thing is, these people are in their 70's, and both have had health problems. I try to not ask them for things all the time, because I don't want to take advantage of their kindness.

Many of my friends have managed to include me in activities in such a way that I don't feel out of place, or like a 3rd wheel. Somehow, our friendships remain without any change other than we all miss Andy. There is no awkwardness when we get together.

It is good to know that so many people are kind.

I now feel peace at the cemetery

It really is a beautiful place, and it makes me feel close to nature.


I don't usually cry when I am there, I just reflect about the meaning of life and death.

I know that Andy's spirit is not there in the grave, I still feel him all around me wherever I go. Although I can't see him, I feel that our love continues just as bright.

It makes me feel good to keep his grave tidy, and the headstone polished. I feel good each time I bring him a single rose from our garden, or place a flag on his grave. I guess it is a way for me to continue to show honor to him, by keeping up the place where his earthly remains rest.

Even if he isn't really there.

John Henry's Latest Drawing

He was very proud of this. I think a psychologist would love to try to interpret the meaning. Notice Mommy is the sun, and Daddy is the tree. (OK, we need to work a bit on spelling!)

The drawing made me feel good, because it looks bright and hopeful.

What a strange thing to say!

Just when I think I have heard it all, somebody says something unbelievable!

I was talking the other day about how I always thought Andy was totally handsome with his dark hair and eyes, and how I would have to catch my breath whenever I looked at him. Here is the rest of the conversation:

"I sure wish you could have met him. He was totally gorgeous!"

"Well, remember, I WAS at the funeral!"

"HUH???"

"Yes, I got to see him at the funeral."

"You mean in the casket???"

"Well, sure!"

I was shocked! How can anybody think that Andy could have looked anything like himself after months of illness, and then death? I guess he looked ok, as far as the deceased can look, but come on now!!!!

Well......on second thought, I guess he REALLY was gorgeous, if somebody thought he looked good after death.

Leaving for Detroit. Happy or not?

Ambivalant feelings...

My upcoming trip to Detroit is going to be difficult. I grew up there, and used to go back about 2 times a year to visit. Andy always drove. He always insisted on doing all of the driving on vacations. Although we were generally equal partners in everything, I let him have his way in that area... somehow I enjoyed the feeling of being protected and safe on those road trips.

This is going to be my first trip there since he got sick. I am not at all worried about doing the driving, I always knew that I could do it, no prob. However, I am dreading the "he should be with us" feelings with each landmark we pass.

We made it to New Mexico, Amarillo and Austin last year. Shelby and I made it to St. Louis in April. The hardest, most emotional trip we made so far was the relatively short 3 hours to Altus in March. I just about lost it when we drove into sight of the places that used to make me break into joking songs: "The Everlasting Hills of Oklahoma," and "Deyo." I still remember how Andy would playfully roll his eyes and say "Honeyyyy... MUST you do that?"

I guess if I made it through that, I can make it through this.

Another Message!

My latest feeling of contact was just the other day.

I was cleaning out the pantry, and I came across a bottle of wine that had been given to us for our wedding. I read the label, and noticed it was from "The Vineyards of Sonoma County." I was not really torn up, just mildly sad and reflecting. I held the cool bottle to my face and thought to myself "I wonder if Andy even thinks of little trivial things like this wine now?"

I put the bottle back, and went into the living room and turned on the radio. Just then the song "You're still Here" came on. That song always makes me cry. But the strangest thing was right after the song the DJ came on and said, and I quote:

"...and that was Faith Hill. Now for the latest sports news... There is probably plenty of Sonoma Whining going on today, get it?? SONOMA WINE? Ha ha!..." (end quote.)

Those were her exact words. She was talking about some sporting event in Sonoma, but I knew the true message!

Reflections on the afterlife. (Deep thoughts.)

Andy's death and my experiences since have profoundly affected the way I feel about eternity.

I think he fought to live so hard not because he was afraid to die, but he knew he was leaving us behind. He loved us so much. I clung to him because I didn't want us to be separated, even if where he was going WAS better. Once it became clear that he was not going to recover, I let him go. It was the hardest thing I ever did, but I loved him too much to watch him suffer any more.

I was raised with, and always believed the Christian message. I still believe it, but I now feel that life beyond is too much for us to comprehend. That is why the Bible and other holy texts were given to us... to give us mortals a tiny bit of the understanding of what is beyond, and how to live now.

I will continue to practice my religion, and have faith that there is everlasting life. However, now I accept that I can't possibly understand God, the meaning of life, or the universe. And, that's OK.

I plan on enjoying the ride, and I will find out the rest when it is my time to join Andy.

I have this image in my mind that brings me peace. I am very old, drawing my last breaths. I look up to see Andy by my bedside, grinning that grin of his. Such joy! He reaches his hand out to me and I take it. I feel warm, safe as he leads me toward the light...

Looking back on last summer.

I was at 5 months this time last summer, and the kids and I had not had a single home cooked meal by then. We either ate with friends or relatives, or went out to eat.

It wasn't the cooking part that had me freaked out, it was the sitting at the table with an empty place. I just couldn't face it at that time.

It wasn't until school started back up last year that we went back to eating at home. It forced us back into a daily pattern, and I was actually ready for that next step by then.

I prepared in advance by buying a new tablecloth and placemats, and shopped for a week of easy meals. After the first couple of meals it was OK.

But his place still seems so empty, even now...

Emptiness... just emptiness.

Every day I find myself growing more accustomed to the idea that Andy really is gone, never to return. I don't know if that makes me more happy, or more sad.

In my period of most intense grief, at least I felt STRONG emotion. Lately, I have reached an "even keel." Although I am no longer brought to my knees with pain, I am also not feeling intense joy, either.

Don't get me wrong... my kids bring me pleasure, I love doing things with my friends, etc. But I miss the feeling of anticipation that I used to feel when I knew it was time for Andy to call, or when we were going out together, even after 17 years.

Sometimes I think the pain was better than the emptiness is...but...I figure this is another phase I am going through.

I wrote a poem many years ago that now seems prophetic:

My Secret Knife

The razor edge of a secret knife,
Slices my soul where no one can see.

The world looks on, but cannot see
That one is dying secretly.

If you should find the secret knife,
Let it stay. Please! Let it be.

The pain within far supercedes
The emptiness without.

57 Chevy... (my dream)

I am finally having more frequent dreams about Andy, now that 15 months has passed. I think maybe I was afraid to dream about him. Now I love it when he is in my dreams.

My most recent one was a lot of fun, very strange, but I woke up happy. It was very vivid, I have heard dreams like this referred to as "technicolor dreams." In my dream, he called me on my cell phone. (This would be a first, since I didn't get the cell until after he died.)

I gasped, "Honey! Where are you???"

He said, "Well, SOMEBODY thought I was dead and had me buried. It took me awhile to get out of there."

He told me where he was, and I drove over to see him. He was waiting for me with a shiny yellow and white 57 Chevy.

I said, "I take it you are doing the driving."

He laughed and took me for a ride, then dropped me off at our house. He mentioned something about having to pick a friend up on his way out. I then woke up in a joyful mood, and drifted off to sleep again with a warm sense of peace. I don't know what the dream meant, but I enjoyed the ride! :)

Now, for the rest of the story.

Just after I woke up in the morning I received a call that Andy's brother-in-law Raymond had passed away during the night. Could that have been the friend that was waiting for the ride? It would be so cool if he had really visited me, and Raymond had a fun ride on his way to the other side!

A story by John Henry, (age 8)

I am turning this post over to John Henry. He wrote this story for school.

A Monster Under my Bed!

By John Henry


One day I looked under my bed. There was an egg. I put the egg by the fire to see what kind of egg it was. It was a MONSTER egg! It was just a baby, but not for long. He ate, and ate, and ate. Then he drank, and drank, and drank. Then he ate some more.Then, after that he decided that he was going to destroy the town! He ate buildings and cars and people and bill boards. After awhile the police decided they couldn't handle it any more and they called the Army. The Army called the Navy. The Navy called the Marine Corps. They started off to get that monster. Planes covered the air. Tanks covered the grounds. But then I said "Stop! I can tame him!" I got a net and threw it on him. The Army, the Navy, and the Marine Corps all said "HE DID IT!!!!"

The End.

A memory quilt for my birthday

This quilt was made by Mary Kay Roy, out of my Honey's shirts. Didn't she do a wonderful job?

Naturally, every shirt has a story. I will only tell a couple.

The American flag shirt second from the upper left is his of the identical shirts we all wore on 4th of July, 2000, and also one year to the State Fair. The blue patch in the center is the scrub shirt he wore during the birth of John Henry. On the back of the quilt is fabric with Labrador Retrievers, in memory of Sheba.

It took her almost a year before she could even bring herself to cut into his clothes to make the quilt. But what a wonderful birthday present to me.

I love you Mary Kay!

My surprise from Shelby

I received a huge surprise tonight! Shelby won a first place award for an essay that she wrote about Andy. Not only did she win a prize from her school, she won first place among all 6th grade students in the school district! I don't know how she kept the secret, but she did not tell me until after they announced her name at the awards assembly.

Here is her essay:

My Daddy
By Shelby Waller
Kenneth Cooper Middle School
Mary Lillard, Teacher


My daddy was a very strong man. He had many trials in his young life. He almost drowned in a well at age two. His closest sibling was eight years older than him. His dad died when my daddy was only thirteen. He was then the man of the house, and had to work on his parents' farm in little Friendship, Oklahoma. He didn't finish high school. He quit school in the eleventh grade to go fight for his country. He was a supply truck driver for the army in the Vietnam War. My dad finished school many years later.

He got married very young. He had three daughters, three sons, and many stepchildren from his marriages. They were Frances the oldest, Andrea, Andy, me and then my youngest brother John Henry.

Before my mom and dad were married a terrible thing happened. He was at a new job as a truck driver when a fork lift driver dropped a car on him. He survived, but came out of the accident a paraplegic. He was rushed to the hospital and given large amounts of blood. He and his wife became divorced because of all of the stress of the accident.

My daddy and mom were married on August 14, 1987. I was born in 1990, then soon after they had my brother John Henry. In 1994 Dad started to have medical problems. He almost died when I was five years old. He started to get better, but he could not go back to work. He was completely well then for three more years. Then he got really sick and went to the hospital. The doctors figured out that when he had the blood transfusions he had gotten hepatitis C. When they figured it out it was too late for them to do anything for him. He was in the hospital on my birthday in 2001 and I can remember that he gave me his jello because that was all he had.

My daddy passed away on February 25, 2002. My mom always called him her hero, and that is what it says on his headstone. I miss him every second and when I'm really sad I think of what he had to go through and it gives me the strength to move on.

One day at a time.

Just got back from St. Louie!

I went to a "convention" for young widows that was held in St. Louis, MO. Left Friday morning, and we just got home. Shelby went with me. We had a great time! She enjoyed being an "almost grown up" getting to lounge around in the hotel room, while I spent time at the activites. I did take her to the "Hard Rock Cafe" so she could get one of the T-shirts, and a couple other places. There were about 45 of us younger widows from all over the country. One even came from Canada!

One of the activities we were able to take part in was a trip to the Anheiser-Busch brewery. I am not much of a drinker, but it was pretty interesting. The adults did partake in a couple of beers at 9:30 AM, which made our group come up with the slogans: "BEER, it's not just for BREAKFAST anymore." and "BEER: The Breakfast of Champions." (No, Shelby did NOT have any beer!)

We had fun, and we were able to give each other some much needed support. I will post photos of our trip as soon as I get them developed.

Visiting Bear and Kelly

Bear and Kelly's little piece of country paradise!


We took a trip down south and spent the day at Bear and Kelly's new house. What a neat place, about 5 miles outside of town, quiet, with a few acres around it. Shelby and John Henry unanimously agreed "That was the greatest meal we have had in a long time!"

Springtime Reflections

Daffodils make me cry.

They were the last flower Andy ever saw. The day before he died, we helped him to sit outside in his wheelchair. It was February, and in the part of Oklahoma that we live I have never seen them bloom that early before.

The weather was in the 70's that day, and he died early the next morning. The temp plunged into the teens a few hours after he died, and literally froze all the blooming daffodils.

I felt it was fitting, because that was how I felt inside. Frozen.

I don't think I can ever look at another daffodil again in my life and not think of Andy.

Premonition of now

Is it possible that deep inside we already know our futures? I have been thinking back the past few days... and remembered the time when we were preparing to go to Michigan for my 20 year class reunion.

Andy and I went to buy a new suit for him. It was a beautifully tailored western cut grey tweed suit, and it looked great on him. I need to mention that my cowboy NEVER dressed up. He loved his jeans and western shirts.

He modeled the new suit for me at home. Suddenly, I pictured him in that suit in a coffin. I began to cry. He took my hand and said gently, "Honey, it isn't going to happen for a long time." It was really weird how he read my thoughts. It was as though we BOTH saw the future. It was SO eerie.

Well, when he died, the nicest clothing he owned, treasured by him, was still that suit. I had an impulse to NOT have him wear it, because of that vision we shared 9 years ago. But, ultimately that is what he was buried in.

So strange.

My personal season of Lent

There is a time that, for lack of better words, I considered this year to be "my personal season of lent."

It began on November 26, and ended on February 25: the anniversary of Andy's death.

I relive each moment... the trip to the ER, the days in ICU, the painful treatments, his improving, then crashing over and over, the emergency surgery that he wasn't expected to live through (but he did)...

I remember the day that I ignored the rules and put him in his wheelchair and took him outside, oxygen and all...just because he wanted to go. Later that same day we had our last conversation where I was wailing "Why does God let things like this happen??? He told me: "I'm not gonna question 'The Man Upstairs' because He knows what He's doing." So incredible, so wonderful that Andy still trusted the Lord, even after all the pain and indignity he suffered. Comforting in the fact that I know that he is now in Paradise.

I remember bringing him home, holding his hand... his last words to me about 18 hours before he died, "I'm gonna miss you"

...me whispering in his ear over and over as he was breathing his last breaths: "I will love you forever. Take that with you!" and then he died in my arms.

It has been so painful to relive it, and for the two weeks before the anniversary, I felt like I was right back to square one. But, for me, that intense period of renewed grief actually has brought me closer to healing. When the anniversary came, I felt like I had been cleansed of alot of confusing, gut-wrenching emotional baggage. I was able to let go of the bad in many ways, and hang on to the good. I hadn't realized how many of the GOOD things I had forgotten! Things like his strenghth, his faith, and his intense love for me and our kids.

The anniversary, or the "sadiversary" if you will, has come and gone...

The kids and I flew the flag from the dawn of the 25th to the dusk of the 28th (the day of his funeral.) I took him a yellow rose. I told him I love him and I miss him.

He is still my hero.

Thanks to my family

Thanks everybody, for all the wonderful love and support the last few days. It really doesn't seem like a year. I don't think it will ever seem like it...

The kids and I remembered him with some flowers for his headstone. I also sprinkled some of his favorite pipe tobacco, and sang "You are my Sunshine" for good measure!
My Mom took us out to El Chico in honor of our guy, too. (You all know how he loved Mexican food!)

I flew the flag on the house from the 25th to the 28th. These small tokens of remembering helped us feel a bit better.
We love you all....!

One Whole Year

One year. How could it be???

One year since he left this life. Oh ... I didn't want him to die...

I remember the holding on... holding on... begging God, Jesus, Jehovah, the Universe, ANYBODY to not take him from me!! Cying, pleading... PLEASE!!! DON"T TAKE HIM FROM ME!! What about our children?? How can we go on! PLEASE!!

Then, it hit me like a brick. It was time to let go. Time to let his poor soul go to some place better. I think he reached this feeling at the same time, because he had been hanging on to life as tightly as I hung on to him.

It was about two or three nights before he died. The song that was popular at the time:

"Tomorrow's another day, and I'm thirsty anyway, so bring on the rain..."

ran through my mind. I slept soundly that night for the first time in months. I really was letting him go...

I was the one who decided when it was time to stop the feeding as his body filled with fluid. I decided to let him slip gently away per his instructions, instead of attempting to recusitate him. He had written in his living will for me to decide when the time came.

I don't feel like I am holding him back from anything now... I released him from the wheelchair to fly on the wings of eagles...

"But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary;
and they shall walk and not faint."

Isaiah 40:31

Valentine's Day... I miss my friend

I miss the look of surrender in your eyes
The way your soft brown hair would fall
I miss the power of your kiss when we made love
But baby most of all...
I miss my friend

The one my heart and soul confided in
The one I felt the safest with
The one who knew just what to say
To make me laugh again
And let the light back in
I miss my friend

I miss the colors that you brought into my life
Your golden smile, those blue-green eyes (his were brown)
I miss your gentle voice in lonely times like now
Saying it'll be alright...
I miss my friend

The one my heart and soul confided in
The one I felt the safest with
The one who knew just what to say
To make me laugh again
And let the light back in...
I miss my friend

I miss those times
I miss those nights
I even miss our silly fights
The making up
The morning talks
And those late afternoon walks
I miss my friend

The one my heart and soul confided in
The one I felt the safest with
The one who knew just what to say
To make me laugh again
And let the light back in...
I miss my friend

(A special thanks to Daryl Worley for setting my feelings to words...)

What are people THINKING???

I ran into an aquaintance at the grocery store today. This lady, Sharon, is the mother of one of Shelby's friends from dance, and we had chatted casually over the years, but I would not consider her a close friend at all.

Sharon has recently been divorced, so I guess she thinks that gives us something in common. In common... as in "we have no husband, so we must be man hungry!")

Anyway, she greeted me, we exchanged a couple of pleasantries, then she slyly elbowed me in the side and says "Well, ya DATING yet???" I was so shocked, I couldn't think of an answer at first!

Finally after a moment, I held up my left hand and I said "I'm still wearing my wedding rings. I think that any guy who would come up to a woman who is wearing a wedding ring, and ask her for a date is not the type I want to be going out with."

Later on my way home, I began thinking about what she had said. The thought of dating had never really occured to me up until now. I guess technically there is nothing to stop me.

I suppose it's not so much the dating that scares me, it is intimacy. I wouldn't mind a movie, dinner, conversation with an intellgent man near my age... but I will take a handshake instead of a kiss, thanks!

Anything that seems remotely intimate would probably send me running!

I don't think that would be fair to a man who is looking for a relationship.

On the other hand, maybe there is somebody out there who would be interested in just a companionship/ friendship kind of thing?

Hmmmm... food for thought...

But still, she offended me!