broken hearts

I don’t like February.


I don’t like Valentine’s Day.


The month and the holiday remind me of loss. Eleven days after Valentine’s Day of 2002.... you know....

Arthur understands. He goes through the same feelings at Easter. So I go easy on the bunnies with him, and he goes easy on the hearts and flowers with me. At least both holidays offer the comfort of chocolate.

I figured the February fog would be gone by this year.

I figured wrong.

More about moving.

The process of purchasing a new house is throwing me into some sort of emotional tailspin. I am not sleeping well, and break down into tears about leaving my current house. I have even felt moments of panic. Is any new adventure in my life going to open up old wounds???

My kids were witness to one of these episodes the other night. I started crying, and couldn’t stop.

They were so concerned: “Momma, what’s wrong?”

Then they looked at me like I was crazy when I replied: “I’m not sure I’m ready to move.”

You see, I’m tired of living here. The kids know this. I’ve been tired of this house for a long time. It is the proverbial Money Pit. Just when something gets fixed, something else breaks. I never really even liked it all that much when Andy and I first moved in here. But it was wheelchair accessible which we needed for him, and we could afford the payments. When we looked at it for the first time I certainly did not have the “This is the one” moment that I had the other day.

Every time we tried to move something would crop up; a hospitalization, tight finances, a new baby, overtime hours at work. It became apparent that we were going to be stuck here for a long time. So, we started turning this place into a real home. I planted my gardens front and back. A friend of ours added a picket fence for us. Finally we had an extra room added and Andy signed the papers for that right from his bed during one of his many hospital stays.

I’ve been thinking perhaps the reason a move never worked out before is we were supposed to stay here. A higher power intended this to be my home with Andy, and we really did make it ours. Now Arthur and I are destined to have a new home, if everything goes through as smoothly as it seems.

But it’s more distance between my old life and my new life. It’s another goodbye.

It hurts to say goodbye.

The news I've been waiting for.

I can't believe it happened this fast.

We made an offer on the house on Tuesday. The seller countered, we countered, and finally the seller countered again with a price we couldn't refuse.

Today we accepted, signed the purchase agreement, and qualified for funding. All this happened in two days. It used to take at least two weeks! But that was before the advent of the computer age of today. My head is swimming.

Anyway, unless the house doesn't pass inspection, it belongs to us. I'm so happy!!!




So... why have I been crying since we found out???

And ......the work begins!

We made an offer on the house last night, and then signed dozens of different forms that basically just say that we are interested in making a purchase. I had forgotten just how much paperwork there is to buying a house! And, it's just beginning. And we don't even know yet if we will qualify. And we have to do it all over again if the owners don't accept our initial offer. No wonder it's been 20 years since the last time I did this!

OK everybody... I'm in LOVE again!

I am completely head-over-heels about the house we saw today! (Oh yeah, I still am crazy about Arthur too, but you know how it is with a brand new love!) :)

One thing that is keeping me from totally floating away on the love-cloud is the fact that it has been over two decades since either of us have been through the house buying process. We have heard horrible things about the current market. Will we be able to qualify for the loan? Will we be able to sell this house? AAAUuuuggghhh!!!! I don't want to have my heart broken if it doesn't work out!

All the angst aside, we are planning on making an offer on the new house tomorrow. We'll just see what happens.

House hunting in January

For the past three years I have been writing about moving.

When Arthur and I were first married, it was almost an insurmountable task to even consider selling my house. There was SO much work to be done! And, truth be told, I wasn't even sure how to go about selling. We decided to go ahead and let Arthur do the repairs and cosmetics needed to get the house ready for market. He made arrangements for contractors to do the big things he couldn't handle on his own.

The house now has a new roof, new heat and air (with ducts completely re-routed through the ceiling since the floor ducts had collapsed.) We have had the plumbing repaired and new carpeting and tile placed. There is fresh paint inside and out. The landscaping has been redone. (That's MY specialty!)

There are only a couple more relatively minor things that need to be completed. We are in a financial situation where we are well able to purchase another house. But I keep dragging my stupid feet!!!

February looms on the horizon. Six years since Andy died. The month of infamy. It's always hard for me to get my act together in February to deal with even minor issues. Perhaps it would be a good thing to put the house up for sale in February, though. Kind of fitting, in a way, to say goodbye to the house the same month I said goodbye to him.

Today I decided we are going to finally make that move. Arthur has been so wonderful about this, and has let me decide when the time is right. I feel like the time is now. Shelby is entering her senior year of high school. I want her to feel like the new house is "home" when she goes away to college. John wants to move. Arthur and I need a place that is "ours." It's time. It's time. It's time! (I keep repeating to myself.)

Tomorrow we are going to look at a house a friend of mine has for sale. It has everything on our wish list, and the price is right.

Wish me luck.

Which way did he go????

"Which way did he go? Which way did he go??? .... he went for FAYYYGO...old fashioned root beer!!!" (The Faygo Kid, circa 1955)

There is a light-hearted thread on my favorite bulletin board about which word to use: "Pop" or "Soda."

Those of us who are native-born Detroiters know that a carbonated strawberry soft drink should ONLY be referred to as "Red Pop."

Here's a few more Detroit Pop Trivia questions:

Q. How did carbonated beverages become known as "Pop?"
A. The originators of the Faygo company of Detroit came up with the title. They began calling the product "pop," because of the sound made when opening the bottle.

Q. What was the first soda pop made in the U.S?
A. Detroit's own Vernor's ginger ale, created in 1866.

Q. What is a "Boston Cooler?"
A. A Boston cooler is an ice cream soda drink made from Vernor's and vanilla ice cream. It did not come from Boston, it was named after Detroit's Boston Boulevard.

Q. What alternative band uses Faygo pop as part of their show?
A. Insane Clown Posse.

...and here for my Detroit friends and family (and anybody else who cares to watch this!) is our famous Faygo Boat Song. Remember the Great Gildersleeve filmed it on the Boblo Boat??? Ohhh! oh! oh! I feel like a KID again!!!!!

Winter Formal 2008

Nothing could dampen Shelby's excitement yesterday... not even the fact that our water pipes froze out front so we had no running water. (The plumber is making the repairs as I write this.) A quick sponge bath in bottled water made her a happy camper. She complained for a brief moment about the chilly water, but when I reminded her that she could have heated it on the stove, she just shrugged it off and said it wasn't a problem... she would think of that next time! :)

Pennies from Heaven

Are there really such things?

Like others, I have found pennies at just the “right” moment.

For instance, I found one the day I ordered Andy’s headstone. When I left the office, there on the ground next to my car was a shiny new 2002 penny. 2’s are special to me, so my concrete heart felt a tiny bit lighter.

Then there was the day that the kids and I went to the Frontier City theme park for the very first time…a place Andy always wanted to go. I was talking to him in my mind, telling him how much I wished he was with us. Then I looked down. Once again, there was a shiny new 2002 penny.

At the time I craved little coincidences. Often such little things could give me a jumpstart out of my depression.

Those were 2002 pennies, not really so much of a coincidence considering it was 2002 when I found them. For a very long time I wouldn't admit to myself that pennies are generally lying around everywhere, whether I need one or not.

But that doesn’t mean they aren’t special.

I am now in the habit of picking up a lost penny and checking the date on it. Then I go back in my mind to a special thing that happened that year. 1982… I moved to Oklahoma. 1978…my oldest son was born. 1989… I graduated from college. 1968… I was in love with Davy Jones! :)

So whether or not pennies come from heaven they always bring a blessing.

(If the penny is from before I was born that is pretty special too, because that means it is a wheat penny!!!) $$$

And... that's my two cents worth for today. LOL! (Groan!)

Pennies From Heaven


I found a penny today,

just laying on the ground.

But it is not just a penny,

this little coin I found.

Found pennies come from heaven,

thats what my Grandpa told me.

He said Angels toss then down,

oh how I loved that story.

He said when an Angel misses you,

they toss a penny down.

Sometimes just to cheer you up,

make a smile out of your frown.

So don't pass by that penny

when you're feeling blue.

It may be a penny from heaven,

that an Angel's tossed to you.


Author Unknown

The most beautiful grand-twins in the world!!!

Here are Stevie and Andy on their first visit with Santa. It looks like they are already conspiring with each other! :)

I only wish they didn't live on the other side of the country. I did send a big box full of sweet baby things for their first Christmas, we do get to watch them on the web-cam... but I can't hold and squeeze them!


Here are their parents: my son Jimmy and his lovely wife Tiffanie.




I'm only gently complaining about them being so far away. I know that I have been so blessed...

The true meaning of becoming seventeen.

At 8:00 AM Shelby knocked excitedly on the bedroom door.

“Mom! Wake up! It’s time to go!”

“Go where?” I grumbled.

“It’s my birthday, remember? I want to go donate blood. I’m seventeen today, and I can officially donate.”

I dragged my bleary butt out of bed. Normally I would have been at work by 8, however this is my vacation too. But with Shelby wanting to be so generous, I felt that I had no choice. No such luck of sleeping in, I guess.


So you don’t think that my daughter is too much of an angel to be believed, here is our conversation as we left the blood center.

“This afternoon I want to do the OTHER thing that I couldn’t do until today, Mom”

“And what is that?”

“I want to go see an R-rated movie!!!”

Christmas has come and gone.

Christmas was calm and traditional this year. Midnight Mass was beautiful as usual, and I so love being in a choir again.

Shelby had to work Christmas morning. (She works at a vet clinic, and had to feed, change, walk and water the animals that had to say over.) So we waited until she came home from work to open presents. As a matter of fact, I was a MEAN mom, and made everybody eat brunch first!



We then went to Kathy and Terry's for Christmas dinner. As usual, lots of good food, and conversation consisting of laughter and shouting across the room. Plus we hooked up the computer and watched my Grandtwins on big screen TV via webcam! It was very strange... so much traditional holiday mixed with High-tech entertainment! :)





Lesley, Billy and the kids were here. We haven't seen them since 2004, and it was great to have them back in town for the holiday.

A wistful re-run

I am re-running my web page that I created for Andy that first Christmas without him. I was just beginning to learn how to set up web pages, so it is very simple. I don't like that Angelfire has added all those stupid advertisements, but the memories still remain intact. (Except because of the ads the mouse trailer no longer works... and I worked for hours to get that thing right!!!)


With Love to my Sweetheart at Christmas

Man and Wife, and Christmas Ornaments

“…and the two shall become as one.” -Genesis 2:24

When Arthur and I were married, we chose a reading from Genesis chapter two, not so much for the two-becoming-as-one part, but for the preceding sentence:

“A man shall leave his father and his mother.”

Our selection was a tiny bit tongue-in-cheek reference to the fact that Arthur was moving 1100 miles away from his parents. However, the becoming as one part isn’t so much about the being in close proximity, but that our entire lives become increasingly entwined.

Things are blending together more and more. Perhaps the best example of this is our personal sets of Christmas decorations. Or, should I say our “former” personal sets? After the first year they became all mixed in together. I mentioned briefly in my confessions post that there is something very intimate about mixing ornaments. Our ornaments represent so many facets of our lives, but at the same time the memories represented are often hazy at best.

Some of the ornaments are unmistakably mine, such as the little primitive ones, hand made out of spools. My grandmother and I put them together when I was four years old. Likewise, beyond the shadow of a doubt, the Hallmark collectable Elvis decoration belonged to Sue.

But this being our 4th Christmas together, some things are starting to blur into a sparkly green-and-red haze. The generic ornaments, the cute grinning snowmen, the little fuzzy-bearded Santas are all starting to look the same. Because of this, we have had the following conversation more than once:

“That’s a cute ornament! Where did you get it?”

(Blank look.)

“I thought it was yours!”



***************

I am just hooked on...

...creating these stupid Jib-Jab videos. Here is a greeting for everybody for the holidays. (And I plan on posting some actual words in the next few days... promise!)

Try JibJab Sendables® eCards today!

Starring: John, Shelby, Arthur, Stephanie, and guest starring Uncle Allen.

Surprises can happen even almost six years later

I had a wonderful Thanksgiving!

This year, for the first time, John took over the tradition that his father had started: smoking the ham and turkey for our dinner.

I thought that was pretty cool that he wanted to do that, and it gave me a warm feeling to see him chopping up the wood and keeping the firebox full just the way Andy used to.

In order to chop the wood John needed the hatchet that I keep locked up in his dad's toolbox. (The toolbox,one of those gigantic rolling Craftsman types, will become his when he gets older... probably on his 18th birthday.)

After taking out the hatchet, John gave me back the key.

Then he said matter-of-factly: "Mom, did you know Daddy kept a picture of you in the lid of his toolbox?"

No, I didn't know. I had been through the tools a couple of times after Andy died, but it never occured to me to look inside the lid. John stands perfectly at eye level with it. I took the key and opened up the box. Sure enough, on the lefthand corner of the top lid was a photo of me that, judging from what I was wearing, was taken around 1996. I don't even remember the photo! It was in a plastic sleeve and neatly taped inside the lid.

After all these years, sometimes I almost forget that the man adored me.

But there on that lid was more proof. He loved me. He really loved me!

Just thought I'd share.

For these things I give thanks...

This year John has taken over his daddy's tradition of smoking a turkey and a ham for Thanksgiving. I give thanks for our wonderful memories and the different ways that we honor them.



I give thanks for the present and the new memories that we are creating.



Oh NO!!!! They're at it AGAIN!!!! (Remember Easter???)

November musings

Hmmm… it’s been too long since I have written.

Gotta write something, but there has been nothing much to write about.

I still have many of the same feelings as the past 6 years, but have already expressed those feelings repeatedly in my previous posts. The earth has circled the sun almost 6 times since Andy was here. At each season change I still feel the ghost of my previous joy, then a melancholy longing for the past. And later, full circle to the peace and contentment of the present.

Ironically, it is because of my peace and contentment that I have little to write about now. Life has evolved backward to what it was in the past, each watercolor day blending into the next with little distinction, but leaving a beautiful impression of iridescence and light.

How can one have a life that they absolutely desire, but wish for another at the same time?

Will I always feel this way?

Halloweenie 2007

Here are this years halloween costumes. John went out trick-or-treating dressed as Tony Hawk, but changed out his costume at his friend's house so we didn't get a photo. Arthur and I were a couple of well-dressed hobos for the square dance "Hobo Party," and Shelby had a party of her own to attend.

OK... This is just plain stupid, but I'm posting it anyway!

Arthur and I are square dancers, but you will NEVER catch John and Shelby doing anything like this!!!


Star in Your Own JibJab! It's Free!

The world has a brand new teenager!

Happy 13th Birthday John Henry!
Today we had our little home celebration, complete with Hostess Treats. John's gift was a new pair of indoor rollerblades,
(just what he wanted!)

This coming weekend the whole family will be together in honor of John and Aunt Marilyn's birthdays.

How can my baby be 13, anyway???

State Fair Button 2007... with a message!

Here is our annual fair button, but there is a special message in it.

Yesterday I was a bit melancholy about the significance of today's date, but now I am feeling better about things. Today would have been Andy's 60th birthday, and since the fair was one of his very favorite things to do every year we all decided to dedicate the button in his honor. Doing this little tribute helped me through what I feared would be a difficult day.

So, here it is!

Celebrants include Arthur, Kathy, Shelby, Clown, John and Me. Thank goodness for this crazy, mixed up, goofy, blended family of mine that loves and understands me.

Happy Birthday A.B. wherever your spirit is resting this day.

Tomorrow is our annual Fair day.

Time for the State Fair yet AGAIN! I don't think there is anything that shouts "time is passing" to me louder than the coming of the Fair. It is something that I have loved for decades now, but in a strange way I am reluctant for "Fair" time to come around this year. I will elaborate on that a bit more tomorrow, after we have dragged ourselves home from another annual visit to the "Great State Fair of Oklahoma."

Past Fair memories I have documented include: A page of photo buttons and The Pirate Ship Story Part One and Part Two!

These are the memorial photo buttons the Shriners made for us that year. We have a Shriner button from each year since 1987, I have every one of them posted on this site.

Tomorrow's button will make number 21 in the series. Unbelieveable!

The Year of the Locust

... or at least I think that is what this year must be.

For the past few nights the loud singing of the evening locusts has been making me feel unsettled. It just dawned on me why.

Seven years ago was the summer of 2000. That was the summer when Andy's illness really took hold, when I thought I was going to lose him. He rallied and lived another 18 months, but it really was the beginning of the end. That was the summer he was in the hospital just barely clinging to life. I was working my then brand new school nurse job, and learning to be a virtual single parent to my kindergartener and fourth grader.

I put the kids down to sleep in one bedroom so I could read bedtime stories to both at the same time. Then I sat by their bedsides until they drifted off. There in the dusky shadows I had a few moments to reflect on my upside-down world. My mind raced as I tried to figure out how things had become so crazy. Why couldn't the doctors figure out what was wrong? How could I spend time with my dying husband, work full time, take care of my children and home, and still manage to get enough rest? I bargained with God and cried out to Him, but all I heard in reply was the shrill song of the locusts.

On some of those nights I caught myself planning a funeral, writing an obituary in my mind. The locusts continued their song where my thoughts left off. Then I mentally beat myself for not having enough faith... for giving up.

Actually, I never did truly give up until Andy drew his last breath. But in those shadows I was trying to come to terms with reality, taking steps toward an acceptance that did not mean agreement at all...

The locusts are louder than any year since 2000, so I guess this really is the year of the seven year locust.

And, once again I find myself sitting in the shadows and reflecting.

My third drummer makes his debut.

I must either be very patient, or very nuts. If I'm not nuts I probably will be by the time my last child graduates from high school. This is because I have given birth to my own drumline. All three of my kids are percussionists! My seventh grader (the last in the lineup) made his drumline debut at the middle school football game this past Friday. Here he is! :)



Video is pretty shaky, filmed by his friend!